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Marriage is hard, and arguments are inevitable.
But in healthy marriages, there is an understanding that you are in this together.
The heat of the moment can bring out potent wordslike “divorce"we don’t really mean.
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Those threats can open doors you didn’t intend to openand aren’t always easy to shut.
Thoughts vs.
According to research, thoughts of divorce are quite common over the course of a marriage.
Many couples ebb and flow throughout their relationships but manage to weather their storms and stay together.
Some may think about divorce but stay blissfully happy, while others hang on by a thread.
In other cases, the marriage isbeyond repair, and divorce is inevitable.
When you threaten divorce, you upend the security of this agreement.
Sometimes, if it is what you truly feel, it may be warranted to bring this up.
But be careful if it’s not your true intention.
“Clearly, the idea of divorce is the ultimate abandonment and goes to the core of people’sattachment issues.
Why People Threaten Divorce
There are a wide variety of reasons why people contemplate or threaten divorce.
Other people just tend toward passionate, stream-of-consciousness or no-holds-barred conversations.
Others may enjoy the extreme emotional rollercoaster of high-stakes arguing.
However, bringing divorce into the fold ups the stakes and can erode trust.
Brushing off these thoughts or threats is unlikely to make them go away or solve any underlying issues.
So why is making a divorce threat so damaging to a relationship?
Relationship coachChris Armstrongalso advises against using the D-word during an argument.
He explains that, first and foremost, the message gets lost.
Alternatives
Denise Limongello, LMSW, a Manhattan licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert, concurs.
She says, “The threat of divorce during an argument can be devastating to hear.”
Limongello and other experts have some tips for what couples should do instead of bringing up divorce.
Try Alternative Language
Divorce threats often stem from an inability to directly communicate the underlying problem.
People might feel like they are not able to say that they are angry, hurt, or afraid.
This leads them to leap directly to the ultimate weaponthe threat to end the relationship altogether.
Dr. Sherman suggests using alternative language to the D-word that can help to deescalate the situation.
She says that this will let your spouse know that the feeling is transitory.
While it’s productive to express your unhappiness, doing it by threatening divorce is ineffective.
Instead, try the strategies above.
In addition, talking to a therapist may be a helpful step.
Find out which option is the best for you.
The longer couples wait to address their issues, the less likely they are to overcome them.
Hawkins AJ, Allen SE.How many married people have thought about divorce?.
Institute for Family Studies.
Published November 2, 2015.
Published December 16, 2015.
2016;8(8):53109. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74
