Divorce lawyers are making a pretty penny nowadays
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Bill and Melinda Gates.
Hugh Jackman and Debora-Lee Jackman.
Rhea Perlman and Danny Devito.
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What do any of these couples have in common?
They’re all divorced after decades-long marriages.
See, there’s this growing trend of older couples calling it quits.
Why are older couplesafter spending nearly half of their lives togetherending their relationships?
What Is a Gray Divorce?
Gray divorce is often defined as divorce that occurs after the age of 50 following a long-term marriage.
Why are so many older couples getting divorced?
How Common Is Gray Divorce?
Gray divorce was relatively uncommon in 1970 and grew only modestly until 1990.
In 1990, 8.7% of marriages among people over age 50 ended in divorce.
By 2019, that number had grown to 36%.
In contrast, the divorce rate among adults in their 20s and 30s has actually declined in recent years.
The reasons why a long-term couple opts for divorce vary from one situation to the next.
This can make it hard tofind closeness and connection, leading many adults to seek fulfillment outside their relationship.
Financial Issues
Arguments over money can become more pronounced as couples near retirement age.
Retirement plans may hang in the balance when a couple’s financial behavior and goals are out of sync.
Ending the relationship may sometimes seem like the only way to resolve such differences.
Health Problems
Health challenges likea serious chronic conditioncan majorly strain a relationship.
Some couples find that they’re unable to handle health issues that emerge as they age.
Notably, research indicates there is a gender disparity in how health problems affect couples.
Growing apart is the most frequently cited reason for divorce at any age.
Changing Expectations
Our expectations for what we consider ahealthy, satisfying marriagehave also changed over time.
Societal Changes
Societal changes have also influenced this relationship upheaval.
This has created more options for women on many fronts, including deciding to divorce."
Engler notes that other factors such as increased life expectancy have also played a part.
I still have a life to live, and I want to be happy,'" she adds.
“Gray divorce can be financially devastating to both parties,” Best explains.
“Often people are saving for a joint retirement.
This will likely be split with divorce, leaving people with far less income than they anticipated.”
For example, research has shown that gray divorcees have less financial security than their married or widowed peers.
Men and women both feel the financial toll, but the effect on women is much larger.
On the societal level, older couples who divorce can create challenges for an already strained housing market.
Emotional and Psychological Impact of Gray Divorce
Gray divorce also has profound emotional effects.
Loss of Identity
A loss of identity might also be a consequence of gray divorce.
A person’sself-esteemand self-worth can also take a hit.
They may be left struggling with feelings of inadequacy andrejection.
One report found that one-third of people over age 45 and one-quarter of those over 65 are consideredsocially isolated.
Engler notes that loneliness is a problem she sees often in her own practice, particularly among men.
“Once divorced, they find themselves without the skills or confidence to do it on their own.”
Health Effects
Gray divorce can also have a range of health effects.
In general, marriage is associated with better health and greater longevity.
Married people tend to be healthier and live longer than their unmarried counterparts.
In such instances, a low-quality marriage may actually lead to worse health outcomes.
For people inunhealthy relationships, ending the marriage may ultimately have a positive impact on overall health and well-being.
Feng stresses that separation and divorce are highly personal.
“It is easier now to get a divorce, although still difficult financially.
But like any great lifestyle change, it will require a period of adjustment.”
Get out of the house and interact with other people.
Join a class, go to the park, volunteer.
Whether its with people you know or complete strangers, do something to reactivate that social part of you.
The more you engage, the easier this new stage of life becomes.
Give yourself time and grace as you navigate these complex emotions.
It’s normal to feel grief, sadness, anger, bitterness, and relief.
Thats why it is important to make an effort tomaintain routinesand stick with your self-care goals.
Cultivate New Connections
The reality is that your relationships will likely change after a gray divorce.
You may spend less time with many of your shared friends or even lose those relationships altogether.
“Finding support and community are critical during and after a divorce,” Engler says.
“Find a therapist.
Find a support group.
Best also recommends seeking help from a mediator/conflict manager to resolve disputes that arise during a gray divorce.
Support Groups
Look in your area or check online for adivorce support group.
You might join a more general group or one that is specifically geared toward older adults.
U.S. Census Bureau.Love and loss among older adults.
Brown SL, Lin IF.The graying of divorce: A half century of change.
Cong Z, ed.The Journals of Gerontology: Series B. Pew Research Center.Led by Baby Boomers, divorce rates climb for America’s 50+ population.
2017;12(3):e0174129.
Carr DS, ed.The Journals of Gerontology: Series B. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press.
2014;23(6):427-432. doi:10.1177/0963721414549043
