What Living With a Psychotic Disorder Feels Like, As a Mental Health Professional

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Psychotic disorders can be scary, both for those experiencing them and their loved ones.

My “Positive” Symptoms

Psychotic disordersare characterized by two different types of symptoms:positiveandnegative.

Woman wrapped in a blanket at home while large figures pass by outside her window

Verywell Mind / Joules Garcia

But these descriptors dont mean my symptoms are good or bad.

Mostly, I see bugs.

These hallucinations get worse when I am stressed.

I also experience something called passage hallucinations.

This is when I see movement in my peripheral vision, like shadows passing me.

Usually, these shadows look like people.

Unlike the bugs, these experiences are unnerving.

Ive found that its important to be patient and understanding with myself when Im hallucinating.

Its also helpful to share what Im seeing or feeling with loved ones who understand what Im going through.

This can help calm me down and get me back in touch with reality.

I have found mydelusionsto be much more frightening than my hallucinations.

Delusions like thesecalledpersecutory delusionsconvince me that I am in danger.

Sometimes, my delusions are directly connected to my hallucinations.

My experiences tend to be episodic.

I cant make simple connections and expressing myself becomes very hard.

This sometimes comes across as word salad, or speech that doesnt make sense.

Executive functioning also usually goes out the window when I am symptomatic.

Executive functions refer to things like being able to concentrate, multitask, and manage time.

When I am feeling thought-disordered, it feels impossible to focus.

Personally, this is one of the most frustrating aspects of having a psychotic disorder.

Negative symptoms take away things from my experience of the world.

(When Im symptomatic, the world can feel too big; being swaddled helps this feeling.)

I had my firstpsychotic breakin February of 2013, followed by two short psychiatric hospitalizations.

I will never forget that.

When I left that job, she gifted me one of these chartsits on the wall of my bedroom.

Unfortunately, I met many people who were in treatment because of tragedy and extreme hardship.

One resident was incapable of carrying out ADLsactivities of daily livingbecause of his symptoms.

But, as I said, these experiences are not everyones experiences.

I have spent more than a decade coming to terms with and managing my psychosis.

I have received help from professionals, family, and friends.