Mood disorderscan be upsetting and scary, both for those living with them and the people around them.
What Depression Can Look Like
Depression can look like many things.
Personally, when Im experiencing depression, I am visibly slowed down.
Verywell Mind / Stocksy
Its difficult to talk, and people notice that Im speaking slower and more laboriously than usual.
These crying bouts can hit suddenly and hard.
They often take me by surprise and leave me sobbing for anywhere from a few minutes to hours.
When Im depressed, it also becomes very difficult to think.
Luckily, my professors were very kind and understanding.
But having to work through a deep depression like that was draining, both mentally and physically.
I also feel my depression in my body.
My chest feels like a cavernous hole, and my body feels heavy.
I feel literally hollow.
“Favoring” Depression
I have far more depressive episodes thanmanic or hypomanic episodes.
(There is also aschizoaffective disorder depressive bang out, where the only mood episodes are depressive episodes.)
Reach Out
If youre depressed, it might seem hopeless to reach out for support.
You might feel as though nothing will ever change, or that people wont understand what youre going through.
Im here to tell you: reach out anyway.
You might be surprised how many people love you and want you to feel better.
But you wont know how many people want to help you until you ask.
You dont have to suffer alone.
Let’s Talk About Suicidality
The severity of my depressive episodes changes.
At its core, suicidality does not make sensewe are programmed to fight for survival.
But if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, dying suddenly makes more sense than living.
Its a deep, inexplicable, almost physical conviction that I feel throughout my entire being.
It goes beyond logic, and it goes beyond explanation.
If you are feeling suicidal,tell someone.
People who talk about their suicidality are less likely to go through with it.
These things make manic episodes potentially dangerouspeople often report excessive spending and risky behavior likehypersexuality, for example.
When Im manic, I want to talkI want to talk alot.
Ive spent hours calling friend after friend and talking at light speed about absolutely nothing.
Its like my mouth cant keep up with my brain.
Mania, for me, is all about pressure.
I feel physical pressure in my body and my brain to go go go go go.
Coping With Mania
Mania can seem uncontrollable while it’s happening and embarrassing after the fact.
You might not even remember what happened during your manic episode.
My Hypomania
I was misdiagnosed withbipolar II disorderfor many years.
It also isnt accompanied by the crash of a manic episodeI tend to just even out after a while.
Hypomania isnt all great, though.
Ive definitely had hypomanic episodes where Ive said things I shouldnt have.
I tend to be disruptive and voice opinions that I otherwise would have kept to myself.
My Mixed States
Last, but certainly not least, are my mixed states.
Out of all my mood symptoms, I hate mixed states the most.
Amixed stateis when you have the energy of mania or hypomania but the low mood of depression.
Mixed states are nefarious and dangerous and incredibly, unbearably uncomfortable.
During a mixed state, I feel trapped in my body.
During these episodes, I found that I was often calling my parents, especially my dad.
Whoyou choose to call when you’re feeling bad can make a world of difference.
It might take some trial and error to find your best point person, but don’t give up.
All this to say, use the resources that you’ve got.
Family, friends, partnersthey all love you and want you to be well.
Tell them what youre going through so that they understand.
You may not find solutions to your problems, but you dont have to deal with those problems alone.
My Challenges
Ive experienced mood symptoms for years and years.
I am also on different medication than most people with bipolar disorder.
We spoke openly about her symptoms and I was able to approach our relationship without judgment.
My own experiences also helped me recognize when a diagnosis was incorrect.
Still, I left with the satisfaction that my own symptoms had allowed me to recognize an injustice.
