It is the sign of someone who is volatile and temperamental.
Who is just plainmoody.
Many assume bipolar disorder and, particularly, mania is exciting.
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It is glamorized in the media.
Some movies and television programs show this episodic event as fun and fast-paced.
Creative, provocative, and appealing.
And many assume bipolar disorder is a crazy persons disorder.
Those living with this condition cannot possibly be functional.
But I can tell you that the stereotypes about bipolar disorder are false.
Because I live with bipolar disorderand have for more than 10 years.
And because of this, I have come to understand the condition intimately.
Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder.
Instead, they live relatively normal lives.
Most of my days look status quo.
However, when I am experiencing an episodebe it a manic or depressive onethings change.
My Experience with Mania
The first time I wasmanicI didnt know I was experiencing an episode.
When I was 17, I was diagnosed with depression.
When I was 19, anxiety was added to the mix.
That diagnosis wouldnt come about for yearsuntil I was nearly 30.
So my first bout of mania was unrecognized, unmedicated, and unmanaged.
It also nearly took my life.
I was a 20-year-old college dropout stripping for a living.
I was abusing alcohol, drinking heavily every night.
I would engage in said acts frequently and in very public ways.
In a manic fury, I tried to take my life.
The next day would be the first time I would hear the words bipolar disorder.
My (then) psychiatrist suggested the diagnosis.
But I scoffed at it.
Bipolar was something I wasnt, I thought.
I was just anxious.
I was just depressed.
…most individuals living with bipolar disorder are not in crisis, at least when they are in treatment.
Instead, they live relatively normal lives.
Most of my days look status quo.
However, when I am experiencing an episodebe it a manic or depressive onethings change.
I stopped going to that doctor for those wonderinghence why a proper diagnosis took so long.
Today, though, I embrace my diagnosis because with it comes treatment.
With it, comes a plan.
And with it, comes help.
Embracing my diagnosis has also allowed me to understand my condition better.
For example, these days my experience with mania is much more agitated in nature.
I am on edge and irritable.
My mind races, a flurry of thoughts and ideas.
I struggle to concentrate.
To sit and be still.
I am hypersensitive to things like lights and sounds.
They become bigger, brighter, and more intense.
My speech is pressured.
My Experience with Depression
My condition is also characterized by periods ofdepression.
Because depression isnt just sadness.
It isnt just feeling forlorn and being withdrawn.
Depression is a sink full of unwashed dishesor piles and piles of laundry.
Depression is greasy hair and unbrushed teeth.
Depression is headaches, stomachaches, backaches, and other bodily aches.
It is physical and nestled deep in your bones.
Depression is chronic pain.
Depression is sleep-filled days and sleepless nights, and it is binge-eating or avoiding food at all costs.
Depression is feeling utterly helpless andhopeless.
Even when you have everything going for you.
Even when, on paper, you are on top of the world.
Depression is feeling completely and totally alone.
Even with your loved ones.
Even in a crowded room.
Depression robs you of purpose.
You lose interest in the things which once captivated you.
Pleasure is all but gone.
My Challenges
Now I should say I am fortunate.
My condition is well-managed.
I take medication daily and see my psychiatrist regularly.
I work with my therapist frequently.
We meet every week, sometimes more, and I have a solid treatment plan.
But that doesnt mean I dont still have challenges.
It took me many medications to find ones that worked.
Full disclosure: I am still working with my psychiatrist to find the proper regimen.
To get the scripts and dosing just right.
Evengood stresscan set me on a manic course, i.e.
I quickly became overwhelmed.
Running, in particular, helps regulate my mood and keep me stable.
Maintaining a regular schedule is important for those with bipolar disorder.
I use the grounding tools I learned (and continue to learn) in therapy.
Sometimes I practice mindful breathing.
Other times I grab and hold onto ice.
And, most importantly, I have a safety planone I can implement if and when things go awry.
Final Thoughts
These things are not foolproof, of course.
Ive continued to ask for help.
And thats the key to living with bipolar disorder.
Scratch that: It is imperative.
Because life before and after treatment has been night and day for me.
Before treatment, my moods would swing wildlyfrom one extreme to the other.
Before treatment, I struggled: with friendships,relationships, my educational career, and jobs.
And before treatment, I felt hopeless.
I was drowning, literally and figurativelyin booze, bathtubs, and my own mind.
As I mentioned, I am a college dropout.
I also failed to hold down retail jobs, waitressing jobs, and office jobs.
There was no balance.
I was incapable of caring for myself.
So while getting a bipolar diagnosis may be scary, know it is not the end of the world.
Rather, it is just the beginning.
Because with a diagnosis comes promise.
With a diagnosis, comes potential.
And with a diagnosis, comes help and hope.
