Self-loathing, or self-hatred, is extreme criticism of oneself.
What Causes Self-Loathing?
Self-loathing develops over time.
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Trauma
Many people with extreme self-loathing have been through traumatic and emotionally challenging experiences in their past.
These experiences often include sexual, physical, oremotional abuse and neglect.
Soon, such thoughts become an all too familiar part of their inner critic.
Getting Help
If trauma is behind your self-loathing, consider seeking professional help.
False Expectations
It is normal towant to belong, be accepted, or perform a task well.
However, sometimes our expectations of self can be so high that they are unattainable by any human.
These extraordinary expectations often lead to us falling short and feeling as if we have failed.
This unhealthy way of thinking about relationships may lead to significant patterns of dependent orpeople-pleasing behavior.
They expect perfection of themselves (and possibly others) at all times and in all situations.
“Oftentimes, when comparing ourselves to others, we are putting ourselves down in the process.
If you experience self-hatred, it is common to have what is referred to asupward comparison.
The Tolls of Self-Hatred
Self-hatred affects and influences many aspects of daily living.
Self-hatred can prevent you from making important decisions, taking risks, connecting with others, and achieving goals.
This can directly affect an interpersonal relationship and how you view yourself within the dynamic.
If you struggle with self-hatred, you may experience its consequences in many areas and ways.
You may feel resentment toward coworkers or put yourself down for lack of performance.
To avoid the pain of criticism, judgment, or abandonment, you may even resist meeting new people.
Or you may come off as cold or uncaring, which can prevent you from getting close to others.
Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships can feel complicated and confusing for someone who experiences self-loathing.
You may fight the idea of closeness and intimacy.
Living this way is emotionally exhausting and can result in a lack of desire to set goals at all.
Decision-Making
Negative self-talk and self-loathing can hijack orparalyze decision-makingabilities.
You may pull away from opportunities to connect with others and find yourself stuck in a pattern of self-doubt.
How to Stop the Cycle of Self-Loathing
Living with self-hatred is overwhelming, exhausting, and isolating.
Inventory Your Strengths
Identifying your strengths can help quiet self-hatred.
If you find it difficult to come up with some on your own, consider asking others for help.
It is almost always easier to recognize someone else’s strengths rather than our own.
Start small, and remember, you are not looking for perfection; you are looking for consistency.
While this process takes time, continual efforts will lead to gradual progress.
It may even feel foreign and uncomfortable and so you’ll dismiss it or minimize to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Learning how to accept a compliment will take practice, but it is possible.
The next time someone compliments you, try saying “thank you"and stop there.
Resist the urge to follow it up with a self-critical or dismissive response.
Develop Self-Compassion
People who struggle with self-hatred often have little or no compassion toward themselves.
In fact, the idea of havingself-compassioncan feel impossible or confusing.
Would you beat them up for making a mistake or remind them that no one is perfect?
Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would extend to a good friend.
In that space, there is no room to forgive ourselves or embrace who we are.
Do your best to stay in the present and focus on how far you have come.
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