How can I defend myself without being defensive?
There is an overwhelming urge to protect yourself when you feel hurt, shame, sadness, or anger.
Why Am I So Defensive?
Getty / SDI Productions / Getty Images
Defensive reactions have the purpose of protecting you from your feelings of being hurt or feeling shame.
These experiences can lead to low self-esteem and create a need to guard oneself against further damage.
Signs You Are Defensive
Are you unsure whether you have been engaging in defensive behavior?
Defensiveness can be hard to recognize when it is coming from within.
Lets take a look at some of the common signs that you might be acting in a defensive way.
When you feel criticized, do you engage in any of the following behaviors?
For example, you may be more difficult to soothe and need more comfort than other infants.
This bang out of maladaptive response can also be learned from personal experience as well.
Below are some ideas to get you started on a path toward being less defensive.
Its easy to avoid confronting your behavior or acknowledging that you are behaving in a defensive manner.
It is important to consider the emotions that are underlying your reactions.
Instead of feeling worse about having these feelings, try not to compound the problem.
Instead, acknowledge the feelings so that you do not become hyper focused on them.
If not, its time to get clear on how you want to behave.
Perhaps its around a certain person or in a certain situation.
Feeling caught off guard or surprised by someone can make it more likely that you will react defensively.
Improve Your Communication Skills
Another way to manage defensiveness is to improve your communication skills.
Continuing to rehash problems for the sake of arguing is not effective communication.
Imagine yourself staying calm and collected while you discuss a problem, instead of reacting defensively.
This could be particularly helpful if you are experiencing defensiveness in your relationship.
In fact, you could even attend couples counseling to work on your communication as a couple.
How Do I Defend Myself Without Being Defensive?
Defending yourself and being defensive are two different sides of the same coin.
When someone is being hurtful toward you, you should set healthy boundaries, and yes, defend yourself.
The difference lies in whether your reaction is adaptive or maladaptive.
Being open to feedback is important for our ability to grow as a person and to have healthy relationships.
Lets take a look at some ways to prevent defensive behavior in those around you.
Do this by expressing something positive that you need from the other person.
or Could you help me by vacuuming the carpets on Saturday?
In one case, it sounds like you just want to complain.
Above all else, it is important to be aware of and acknowledge your own failings.
Acknowledging that everyone has problems is the surest route to better communication.
Direct communication will always be received better than judgmental attitude.
Instead, showempathyand concern for the situation that the other person is experiencing.
Theres a reason why they call it disarming someone with your charm.
Consider and weigh all viewpoints and attempt to reach a resolution to the problem together.
Dont hesitate to speak to a therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional.
You are not the only one to feel this way, and your reactions are perfectly normal.
You and everyone around you will benefit as a result of taking this action.
Davey L.Are you being defensive?
Woodfellow D.Why Do People Get So Defensive?
Wignall N.Defensiveness: How it works and what to do about it.
