Sturti / Getty Images
Misunderstandings in relationships happen to everyone.
However, regularly feeling misunderstood can be a sign of a need to work on communication skills.
Changing how people communicate can improve relationships and help individuals feel understood.
Sturti / Getty Images
It also covers how people can use these feeling statements and potential mistakes to watch for.
What Are ‘I Feel’ Statements?
‘I feel’ statements are a way of communicating the speaker’s feelings or beliefs.
These feeling statements are a powerful communication tool.
“You never clean up after yourself.”
“You didn’t call me like you promised!”
“You don’t even care.”
“You always make me feel so small.”
“I feel stressed out when the house is so disorganized.”
“I feel worried when I don’t know whether you made it home safely.”
“I feel sad when it seems like my feelings are not taken seriously.”
One reason “I feel” statements might help defuse conflict is a phenomenon known as thenorm of reciprocity.
People tend to feel a need to reciprocate, including in communication.
More Constructive Feedback
I-messages can also be a helpful way to provide constructive feedback to other people.
Rather than leading with criticism, it focuses the conversation on how the speaker feels about it.
When people talk about feelings, they often have a tendency to assign blame first while downplaying the feeling.
Stating What You Want to Have Happen
Finally, a solution should be given.
This solution may not be a real option but does allow for discussion and some sort of compromise.
The focus stays on the feeling, and the goal continues to be alleviating the uncomfortable feeling.
It is likely that Susan only got a defensive response.
Perhaps her ideas were sought as well as the other persons and together they made a plan.
Together they focus on the present activity and their feelings instead of blaming one another.
Using feeling statements takes practice, and it may be hard to use them consistently, especially at first.
People sometimes find feeling statements extremely difficult.
However, everybody can learn to use these and will benefit from non-accusatory communication.
Couples who are in conflict often find themselves blaming one another for the problems they are facing.
This strategy can also help couples begin to build greater empathy for one another.
By using feeling statements duringfamily therapy, family members can begin to communicate with one another more effectively.
I-language may help individuals become more receptive to feedback.
It also helps each person better understand how their own actions affect other members of the family.
Feeling statements can be helpful in both everyday communication as well as in therapeutic options.
Couples therapy and family therapy are two types of psychotherapy where people practice this form of interpersonal communication.
For example, a person might say something like, “I feel like you don’t care.”
While this statement starts with an expression of how the speaker feels, it concludes with an accusation.
This defeats the goal of using feeling statements.
It would really make me feel better if you could help me with this."
Using feeling statements can help people assert themselves while reducing hostility.
Hargie O.Skilled Interpersonal Communication: Research, Theory and Practice.
Routledge; 2021. doi:10.4324/9781003182269
Gordon T.Origins of the Gordon Model.
Mahmoodi A, Bahrami B, Mehring C.Reciprocity of social influence.Nat Commun.
2018;6:e4831.
Harmony Books; 2015.
