The 36 questions Aron developed are structured to create deeper conversations between people.
The questions are initially less personal but gradually require more meaningful,vulnerableresponses.
Such questionscanbuild trustand closeness in relationships, but such questions alone arent a surefire shortcut to love.
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Catron described her experience using the 36 questions to buildintimacywith someone she eventually married.
The study aimed to determine if a structured set of questions involving mutual self-disclosure could help facilitate this process.
Self-disclosureis an essential part of all close relationships.
“That’s not the same thing as being in love,” he noted.
“Love has, you know, sort of another whole component of desire for deep connections.
And in the case of romantic love, it usually involves sexuality and things like that.
So it’s not quite the same thing.”
It was those questions that helped inspire love between the assistants in Arons lab.
They were also more romance-focused than what eventually came to be the 36 questions.
How the Questions Work
The 36 questions are structured into three sets.
The first questions are more casual and less intimate.
They were involved in other research and did not know what the study was about.
The two ended up falling in love and getting married.
Find somewhere you both feel at ease and where there are few distractions.
The first set are more casual, but they become increasingly personal as the conversation goes on.
Maintain eye contact and show that you have a genuine interest in what they have to say.
Try not to interrupt while they are talking.
Be Honest
Don’t avoid sharing yourhonestreactions and personal experiences.
Honesty is the key to success.
Validate Emotions
As the questions become more personal, some of them may lead to emotional responses.
Be sensitive to what your conversation partner is sharing and respond withempathy.
Let them know you are there to listen and try tovalidate their emotions.
Reflect
Once the conversation is over, take some time to reflect on the experience.
Talk about the feelings it evoked and any insights you have gained.
Be mindful of boundaries
Subsequent research has shown that increasing self-disclosure can have positive effects on relationships.
In some cases, it can build trust and rapport.
The 36 Questions: A Breakdown
The 36 questions are divided into three sets of 12.
Take turns answering the questions in order.
It should take about an hour to complete all 36.
Set 1
The goal of these first 12 questions is to help build closeness between conversation partners.
Set 2
The second set of questions are all about fostering a greater sense of intimacy.
The questions in this set require a much greater level of vulnerability.
Greater Vulnerability
Vulnerability is crucial forhealthy relationships.
It allows people to be their authentic selves while breaking down emotional barriers that prevent people from being honest.
As the questions progress, people have to dig down deeper to reveal the tender parts of themselves.
It helps create a space for true honesty, the foundation for trust.
The conversation is an opportunity to learn more about them and considerwhether you are truly compatible.
The questions are designed to elicit feelings of closeness.
“It felt like dating again,” she suggested.
Other readers also reported that the questions did seem to help inspire love.
One Reddit reader reported that the questions did help them fall in love with a former partner.
However, they noted that the questions may build a sense of intimacy that lacks long-term sustainability.
Other Reddit users reported finding the questions invasive, upsetting, and emotionally risky.
Questions about a persons most terrible memory, in particular, can betriggeringfor people who have experiencedtrauma.
In other words, these questions foster connections that might lead to love, but there’s no guarantee.
The key is to use them in a way that works for you.
The questions were originally designed to foster interpersonal closeness between strangers.
The questions can be adapted for use in various relationships.
For example, they could potentially be adapted to help friends and family feel more connected.
It’s vital for both people who take part in the conversation to feel comfortable.
Talk beforehand about how you’ll handle questions that create discomfort.
This might involve skipping certain questions, asking an alternative question, or taking a break from the conversation.
If your relationship is floundering, having open and honest conversations can be helpful.
However, the 36 questions are not a surefire way to fix relationship problems.
Deep-rooted problems may require other solutions, including couples therapy.
Exploring these questions in a therapeutic context might be beneficial.
Casual acquaintances, work colleagues, unwilling participants, or casual dating partners are a few examples.
There are also manycard games and booksbased on the concept of “icebreaker” questions to help inspire conversations.
Some are designed to be fun activities for date nights, while others focus on inspiring meaningful conversations.
Wiley; 2015. doi:10.1002/9781118540190.wbeic160
Scientific American.Love and the brain, part 1: The 36 questions, revisited.
Arroll B, Allen EC.To self-disclose or not self-disclose?
A systematic review of clinical self-disclosure in primary care.Br J Gen Pract.
2015;65(638):e609-e616.
doi:10.3399/bjgp15X686533
Lopez Portillo B.Disclosure reciprocity.
In: Zeigler-Hill V, Shackelford TK, eds.Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences.
Springer International Publishing; 2020:1137-1139. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-24612-3_653
The New York Times.Readers inspired by the 36 questions.
Reddit.What are your thoughts on the “36 questions to fall in love'?
Have you tried it?
What was your experience like?
