Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming but unwarranted fear that people you love will leave you physically or emotionally.
This punch in ofrelationship anxietycan be a paralyzing feeling, and understanding why it happens isn’t always simple.
People with a fear of abandonment tend to display behaviors and thought patterns that affect their relationships.
Verywell / Emily Roberts
In fact, nearly 10% of people in the U.S. have some sort of phobia.
What Causes of Fear of Abandonment?
Many theories surround the disorder’s origins.
Generally, psychologists attribute fear of abandonment to experiences, beliefs, and concepts we internalized as children.
Examples of contributory experiences might include:
This fear has been studied from a variety of perspectives.
Anxious Attachment Style
Our earliest relationships with caregivers help establish what we might expect in future relationships.
This style is characterized by a fear of abandonment and rejection.
People with this style strongly need relationships yet have trouble trusting others.
This is related to the idea ofobject permanencefirst studied by the developmental psychologistJean Piaget.
Infants learn that physical objects continue to exist even when they are outside the field of vision.
Object constancy generally develops before the age of three.
A child with good object constancy understands that time apart does not damage important relationships.
Traumatic events can interrupt object constancy.
At some primal level, we have internalized certainarchetypesand stories, making them part of our shared worldview.
It comprises our interpretations of the collective unconscious through the filters of our own experiences.
Although most of us adapt to changing circumstances,getting stuck somewhere in the grieving processis common.
Impact of Fear of Abandonment
The fear of abandonment doesn’t look the same for everyone.
Some people are afraid of losing romantic partners.
Others fear abandonment in other relationships, like friendships.
Honeymoon Phase
You choose to commit, willing to overlook possibleredoryellow flagsbecause you get along so well.
You start spending a great deal of time with the other person and you always enjoy yourself.
You start to feel secure.
Real Relationship
Real life intervenes.
To you, this looks like your partner no longer loves you.
In reality, your partner didn’t return your text because they were driving, busy, etc.
Others run away, rejecting their partners beforetheyare rejected.
Or they might address the resulting upset with a calm discussion or brief argument.
Either way, a single perceived slight does not dominate the partner’s feelings in a healthy relationship.
Your Partner’s Reaction
Your sudden personality shift seems to come from out of left field.
As with otherphobias, no one can simply talk someone out of their fear of abandonment.
No matter how many times they are reassured, it will not be enough.
Rather than focusing all your energy and devotion on a single partner, focus on building a community.
No one person can solve all of our problems or meet all of our needs.
However, a solid group of several close friends can each play an important role in our lives.
For whatever reasons, they always felt “other” or disconnected from those around them.
But the good news is that it’s never too late.
Make a list of your current hobbies, passions, and dreams.
Then find others who share your interests.
For example, you might think you’re not loveable or don’t deserve loyalty and commitment.
Changing these thoughts to be more realistic and positive can help you better cope with a fear of abandonment.
Takeaways
The fear of abandonment can have a devastating effect on relationships.
It can leave you struggling to form new attachments and trust others.
This fear can also cause you to reject others before they have a chance to reject you.
Self-compassion and building a sense of belonging are important, but therapy is often the most effective option.
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