Verywell / Madelyn Goodnight
Its just a mom, I found myself saying.
It’s not that big of a deal, right?
I was 34 and shouldn’t have needed my mom so much, right?
Verywell / Madelyn Goodnight
Of course, I did; she was my mom!
I would have assumed I hadat leastanother 15 years with her.
Compounded Grief
Most people will lose their mother once.
This is known asdisenfranchised grief.
I was so lucky to be adopted by whom I was adopted.
They were deeply loving parents who never wanted anything but the best for me.
If anything, I know they were trying to shield me from further pain.
It didnt give me room to really realize therewasa loss there or permission to grieve.
No, it’s more like I tried to will myself to have my adoptive parents' DNA instead.
(Spoiler: it didn’t work).
It’s the same with psychological trauma and grief, known as compounded grief.
“Containment,” she answered.
That therapist was right that I’d never learned containmentnor trueself-soothing.
The metaphor that comes to mind here is a child in a playpen.
After my mom died, I wanted to run away from everyone.
I didn’t want others to see my pain.
I carry these traumas all too somatically, through my tight neck and shoulders and tension headaches.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
