Real talk: Ive been married for 23 years and I still dread these types of conversations!
If you are in a relationship and are looking for clarity aboutwhere its going, you are not alone.
You are probably filled with lots of emotions and concerns.
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but it definitely isn’t.
Thats why its vital to address this topic head-on.
Common Fears
Feeling nervous is super common, says Sonntag.
In fact, anxiety about having this conversation is something that comes up frequently in Sonntags therapy practice.
And my response to that is usually, Well, then at least we have an answer.
And my response to that is usually, Well, then at least we have an answer.
Relationships arent built on guessing gamesthey thrive on clarity and mutual understanding, Dr. Gaines says.
Additionally, beingveryclear about your own wants,needs, and goals is of utmost importance.
It can also be helpful to ask yourself some clarifying questions.
How best to approach it?
Gaines shared some Dos and Dont for approaching the conversation.
There are basically three main ways the conversation can go, according to Dr. Gaines:
1.
Youre on the same page.
This clarity can bring extra security and direction to the relationships.
You and your partner have different expectations andgoalsfor the relationship.
This is where self-awareness matters, Dr. Gaines suggests.
Can you meet in the middle, or does this signal incompatibility?
Your partner avoids giving a clear answer.
Remember, though, that ambiguity actually is a kind of answer, Dr. Gaines reminds.
This can definitely hurt, says Sonntag.
But it can be reframed as an opportunity to define and crystalize what you want in a relationship.
It can also save you some time and preserve your self-respect.
Easier said than done, but dont settle out of fear of losing this person, Sonntag suggests.
You are allowed to walk away if/when needed.
Finally, remember even if the conversation got dicey or felt challenging at times,you did it.
You showed up for yourself, your feelings, and the future of your relationship.
This will be an asset to you, either in this relationship, or in future relationships.
Of course, theres also the possibility that there will be a wedding in the works!
Seeking a strong support systemand considering meeting with a therapistcan help you work through any of these scenarios.
You are not meant to navigate these difficult moments on your own.
Help is out there for both you and your partner.
American Psychological Association.Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy.
APA Dictionary of Psychology.
Tennant K, Long A, Toney-Butler TJ.Active Listening.
StatPearls Publishing; 2025.
2018;6:e4831.
