Plus a bajillion ways to cope

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This is a judgment-free zone, okay?

Humans are emotional beings that feel everything.

Chances are you’ve heard of attachment theorythe idea that explains how long-term bonds form between people?

woman looking down at her phone with question marks in the background

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But while attachment may start in childhood, it shows up in adulthood, too.

Anxious attachment is one of the three insecure attachment styles that spring from a fear of abandonment and rejection.

Insecure Attachment Styles

Anxious attachment:Constantly seeks reassurance and validation.

Struggles with people-pleasing and maintaining boundaries.

Can appear needy or clingy to nonanxious attachers.

Avoidant attachment:Rarely go to others in times of need.

Has a strong distrust for others being able to meet their needs and a strong desire for independence.

Disorganized attachment:Conflicting desire for a relationship but fear of being in one.

Often feels unlovable or unworthy.

Can display both anxious and avoidant behavior.

How do anxious attachers become…anxious?

What triggers someone depends on the individual and can vary from person to person.

Which is why it’s important to know your triggers and how to manage them.

Below, we dive into the common anxious attachment triggers and what tools and tips can help you cope.

Common Anxious Attachment Triggers

Want to know your triggers?

While we can’t identify every single one, there are a few consistent ones among anxious attachers.

For example, imagine texting your S.O.

and they don’t respond right away.

Sgro adds that anxious attachers can become triggered if their partner asks for some alone time.

A request for space can make the anxious attacher feel physically distant.

How an anxious attacher responds to their triggers varies.

One person can be upset if their friend or family member ignores their call or sends them to voicemail.

And resentment can build between them if they’re not actually communicating about what’s happening.

Anxiously attached people arent trying to start fights or cause problems.

Unfortunately, that results in miscommunication and misunderstandings, which leads anxious attachers to assume the worst and catastrophize.

Even if that dynamic is not what we want, were comfortable in these situations.

The desire to prove ourselves leads many to continue the same pattern.

Alternatively, anxious attachment can develop because of bad relationships in adulthood.

So, our brain isnt necessarily trying to be our friend.

It is trying to protect us, but it doesnt always know what our best interest is.

The unknown may trigger thoughts and beliefs that could be wrong.

Partners who can offer reassurance and clarity can alleviate those anxious feelings.

Its difficult because it requires vulnerability, but clear communication is the first step.

Who can reassure you and can communicate, Hey, I’ve been feeling this way.

Is this really what you’re thinking?

Or can we talk about this issue?

And get that feedback from them.

This could include neglect orphysical, sexual, or emotional abuse.

One way or another, people with anxious attachments havetrouble trusting themselvesand their partners.

They put their partner first and are afraid to assert their own needs.

Therefore, theyre likely to have their boundaries and autonomy violated without even realizing it.

Ultimately, both partners feel like they cant get their needs met.

This can be a difficult skill to learn, explains Sgro.

Plus, learn how to communicate your requests and boundaries clearly and kindly.

Otherwise, you’ll repeat the same cycles.

Over time, this will help you identify both smaller triggers and the broader categories they fall under.

For example, taking too long to text back can be categorized under communication expectations.

Goldberg also advisesself-awarenessand self-reflection.

Furthermore, atherapist or mental health professionalcan benefit anxiously attached individuals.

Sgro says that a therapist can help you develop healthy boundaries and communication.

Final Thoughts

No matter what, you canheal from anxious attachmentand make your relationship better.