Ive always believed this lie Ive told myself over the years.
I remember in middle school watching a Janet Jackson video with a classmate.
I thought she was captivating and was truly amazed by her voice and beauty.
Mauro Grigollo / Getty Images
This statement had such a profound negative impact on my way of thinking.
My background
My parents are originally from the Philippines.
They immigrated here in 1975 and lived the quintessential American Dream.
My father was a successful anesthesiologist and my mother was a registered nurse.
They were able to leave a third-world country and raise their three children in America.
However, wealth and being born in America do not exclude you from racism.
Growing up in a small town in New Jersey, I was frequently the only Asian in the room.
This feeling of being the outcast has contributed to many of my characteristics and even subconscious feelings.
I endlessly wanted to fit in and its hard to just be myself.
This feeling of caring what other people think has hindered me in so many ways.
It causes insecurity within yourself that you will never be enough.
I also live withbipolar disorder jot down I.
As an Asian American female living with a mental illness I have felt so much shame.
It took twodiagnoses of bipolar disorderfor me to finally accept that I needed help.
This unwillingness to seek mental health services is prevalent in Asian American communities.
Growing up in a Filipino household, mental health was not something that we typically discussed.
To my knowledge, none of my relatives had any formal diagnosis of mental illness.
Why are members of the AAPI (Asian American and Pacific Islander) community so reluctant to find help?
One is the model minority.
Why would I want to share any mental health difficulties or challenges I was facing?
I already felt so much anxiety that I had to be perfect.
After my initial diagnosis of bipolar disorder, I clung to this idea of perfection.
My mental health was deteriorating at the time, keeping everything bottled up inside.
“This over-sexualized view of Asian females has triggered my bipolar symptoms such ashypersexuality when manic.
I was seeking love in unhealthy ways because I didnt have the love for myself to get help.
Past Racial Trauma
When I was five years old, I remember riding the bus to kindergarten.
There were boys, maybe a couple years older than me, sitting in the front.
It took me only seconds to realize they were making fun of me.
Writing and even speaking aloud about this still triggers me.
It was the first time I noticed that I was different.
I grew up in a small town in New Jersey, where there werent a lot of Asians.
Moments like this continued to happen while I was growing up.
I remember a boy, maybe in 3rd grade, outwardly calling me a chink on the playground.
Im 75% Filipino and 25% Chinese.
Im of Asian descent.
I also happen to be living with bipolar disorder.
These two factors in my life have always made me feel misunderstood, like an outcast, even overlooked.
I did not realize that by doing this, I was also rejecting my own culture.
Living with bipolar disorder is like living with aninvisible illness.
Most still feel discouraged from pursuing help or outside resources regarding mental health concerns due to fear of alienation.
I started a blog in the summer of 2020.
Turns out, I didnt know squat.
The response was overwhelming.
I received so much support from family, friends, and even strangers across the internet.
I realized by opening up about my mental illness I also wasdestigmatizing the stigma surrounding mental healthas a whole.
So Whats Next?
Microaggressions regarding my racestill occur.
I was in Target at the beginning of the pandemic, and a woman was holding a cleaning product.
People lack an understanding of racism if they have never experienced it themselves.
Our belief system is mostly ingrained in us by how we were raised and what we experienced.
My hope is that by sharing my perspective, well stop and think before we speak.
That our actions and words have consequences, especially towards those dealing with their mental health.
Above all else, just be kind.
I have extended kindness and acceptance to not just those around me but most importantly, to myself.
Mark Twain stated, The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
I have learned to embrace my culture and be comfortable in my own skin.
In turn, Ive learned that I am worthy and capable of love.
American Psychological Association.Mental Health Among Asian-Americans.
American Psychological Association.From Exotic to Invisible: Asian American Womens' Experiences of Discrimination.
bpHope.How My Experiences as an Asian American Trigger My Bipolar.
