At home, my parents were in survival mode.
They worked hard and long hours to make ends meet.
There was no time or space to emotionally and mentally connect.
Verywell / Madelyn Goodnight
Whenever we met up with extended family, I never felt Chinese enough.
Relatives visiting from Hong Kong would use their broken English with me.
Then they would ensure someone ordered sweet and sour pork to satisfy my Western palate.
I wanted to prove to them that I understood my heritage.
I continued pretending to be someone I wasnt, even outside of my family.
I wanted to blend in, to look and act like those in my predominantly Caucasian school.
I was self-conscious about my language skills and tried hard to speak English without an accent.
I aimed for perfection when it came to writing without grammar errors.
If a Cantonese word slipped from my mouth in front of my class, I would be mortified.
Instead, Id say something generic like, It was great.
In high school, it was no longer just what I said and how I behaved.
I started changing my appearance to fit in.
It was during these years that I struggled with depression and anxiety.
What do I want to preserve for the next generation?
What values, beliefs, and priorities do I want to instill in my kids?
Which ones do I want to shed?
Respect the Hierarchy or Flatten It?
Within an Asian family structure, decision-making is traditionally held by the father followed by the eldest son.
The mother is expected to take care of the children and support her husband.
Daughters are below sons on the hierarchy.
Speak Up or Stay Silent?
Difficulty communicating with parents has shown to be a common source of stress for Asian American young adults.
However, I believed rules were meant to be broken.
In school, I was taught to think critically and encouraged to ask questions.
Speaking my mind and voicing my individual opinion were considered strengths.
So I challenged his opinions every time I didnt agree.
My disrespectful behavior created a disconnect between us.
I urged him to respect me as an adult and to stop treating me like a child.
It was difficult to be around him because he wasnt able to validate my emotions.
Over time, silence took over whenever we were in the same room.
I couldnt build trust because I was unable to have open and honest discussions with him.
I didnt feel safe fully expressing myself so conversations were limited to simple matters.
However, whenever I gathered enough courage to speak up, I was either scolded or ignored.
Eventually, disappointment became the expectation and silence won over.
Can You Really Choose Your Family?
However, I was raised to believe that familial ties serve as the foundation of my culture.
The sense of obligation has amplified as my parents enter their 70s.
The differences between us have caused us to grow socially apart, not physically.
I see them regularly.
Ive accepted them for who they are.
Ive come to terms that they will never change, and it is what it is.
The decision is deeply personal to the individuals situation and should not be taken lightly.
Cutting ties may be the most appropriate choice given where the individual is on their journey.
Furthermore, the decision can change over time as the relationship evolves.
Ultimately, Ive grown to appreciate the stability in our relationship even though often no words are exchanged.
Theres a sense of comfort we can count on each other and our presence is fulfilling enough.
Saving Face or Showing Vulnerability?
In a collectivistic family, success brings honor and failure brings shame.
Success is defined as an increase in status and power or financial gains.
Sweeping problems under the carpet are often how Asian families deal with their issues.
Social stigma, shame, and saving face have been shown to prevent Asians from seeking behavioral health care.
Therefore, the dual identity crisis has significant effects on the mental and emotional health of Asian Americans.
Desiring healing and getting help are signs of courage and strength, not shame or dishonor.
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