Verywell / Madelyn Goodnight
Its been one of those days.
I frequently wake up feeling this way.
Its only the afternoon but I already feel defeated.
Verywell / Madelyn Goodnight
This is what life is likeliving with bipolar disorder.
Myrapid cyclingof feeling manic and excited then shifting to easily irritated and triggered has already reared its ugly head.
Sadly, the person I take it out on most is my husband.
I married someone with no clinical diagnosis of mental illness.
Although he experiencessituational anxietyand sadness, like most, nothing neurological prohibits him to feel happiness like I do.
Living with bipolar disorder is hard.
I recently had a conversation with him about my own happiness.
I expressed that its difficult for me to feel joy most of the time.
The highs of mymaniaand sudden drops into depression seep into my everyday life and ruin most experiences for me.
It truly is not easy to enjoy my life at times.
Its only the afternoon but I already feel defeated.
This is what life is like living with bipolar disorder.
I have seen psychiatrists, therapists, and checked into mental health facilities.
I take mymedicationsregularly and I have a fantastic support system of friends and family.
My mood swings still happen almost daily and its taking a toll on my marriage.
I often feel judgment and even resentment.
But thelack of empathyis what triggers me the most.
I understand being with someone diagnosed with bipolar cannot be easy.
In fact, I imagine it can be heartbreaking.
He details five specific ways that we express and receive love.
Learning these languages has taught me invaluable lessons that I make a run at apply to my marriage.
Thefive love languagesinclude:
And lastly, my personal favorite,words of affirmation.
Ive always been better with words, especially when writing.
Sometimes when I talk I become too emotional and the words just do not come out right.
Bipolar- good in bed, hard to live with.
Whats always been funny to me is that its somewhat accurate.
Well, at least the latter part.
I am hard to live with.
Our love languages differ and it can be difficult to express my emotions.
My mental illness affects my ability to think clearly and rationally.
I think its one of the main components of our marriage that has kept us intimate and close.
When Im manic or spiraling it might seem like I am trying to push you away.
However, for me at that moment, that is the complete opposite of what I want.
I want you to hold me.
I need you to physically wrap your arms around me and remind me, Yesthis will pass.
Ill randomly organize the house on a Sunday morning.
But when Im in a depressive state?
We both know that all changes.
There are days that I cannot even muster the strength to get out of bed.
I need you and acts of service more than ever in these down moments.
I love that youll take the kids with you on long trips so that I can get a break.
And you know what I really love?
Quality Time:
Ah, quality time.
We have four kids.
How on earth do we make time for one another these days?
Im starting to realize its the little moments that count.
Its the small pieces of time we do have alone that make everything worthwhile.
My mood disorder can bring me up, down, and all over the place.
But when Im stable and genuinely happy?
We do enjoy those moments as fleeting as they may seem.
I attempt to hold onto the good memories of our quality time rather than harp on feelings of discontent.
Receiving Gifts:
My mania often causes me to overspend.
How can I show my love to you through gifts while also making sure not to overspend?
Well, this letter is a perfect example.
I hope this letter and its contents will translate in all the ways I do love and appreciate you.
Gifts dont have to have a monetary price on them.
I love the sticky notes you leave me on the mirror reminding me of your love.
I love the practical gifts you give me even if its just the items on our grocery list.
Words of Affirmation:
This is my favorite love language.
This occasionally causes disagreements between us as I know words arent your strong point.
But words can also hurt.
I know this personally living with bipolar disorder.
Not all mania is euphoric and causes elevated feelings of joy.
Sometimes I cannot manage my emotions and I take it out on the people I love the most.
Im sorry for not being everything you want all the time.
Im sorry that I crumble at times and feel the weight of my depression.
Its not that I want to give in to my sadness, but I truly cannot help it.
But I do love you, and there is no end to that love.
I hope this letter explains to him that my mental illness is not my choice.
I have had the unhealthiestcoping mechanismsfor the longest time so you can treat my bipolar disorder.
In the past, this has involved drug use and smoking or drinking.
When life feels too overwhelming, Id rather numb the pain in any way possible.
Now as a mother of four, I cannot rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I have to understand and accept him for who he is and what he is capable of giving me.
I have to understand and accept him for who he is and what he is capable of giving me.
Sometimes love isnt enough.
Love cant always sustain happiness during times of heartache and loss.
I cant rely on another person to make myself happy.
As a person with mental illness, its completely unfair to have someone elses happiness contingent on mine.
I live my life as a gallon person.
I want to give a gallon, and expect to get a gallon in return.
However, some people are pint people.
They only want a pint.
When you give them a gallon; it overflows and is wasted.
Then when you expect a gallon to fill us back up, they only have a pint to give.
Love is always something that should be given freely with zero expectations.
Expectations become conditions and should never be motivations.
I still struggle with self-love, especially living with bipolar disorder.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
