It’s getting hot in here
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Theres a classic dating dilemma that we all face.
Do you go for the slow burn or the instant spark?
These styles essentially detail how you show up inintimacy.
Verywell Mind / Getty
One isn’t better than the other; they’re all equally valid (and fun!)
in their own ways.
What Is a Spontaneous Sexual Desire Style?
Spontaneous sexual desire is exactly what it sounds like:instant, physical chemistry.
Spontaneous desire can appear as a spontaneous sexual thought or theinitiation of intimacy, saysDr.
Somi Javaid,OB-GYN and sexual health expert.
Spontaneous sexual desire doesnt need much external stimuli, she notes.
Erotic arousal can appear instantaneously with little to no action.
Men are more likely to experience spontaneous desire over women, Dr. Javaid points out.
This theory is due to biological, psychological, and social factors.
Men have much higher levels of testosteronethan women and this may lead to this difference.
Testosterones hormonal influence shapes cultural perceptions of desire, often developing a view of mens arousal as on-demand.
However, this perspective oversimplifies the complex spectrum of desire that operates in a fluid space.
Intimacy might happen on a whim, intensely powered by a thrilling chemistry.
If you have a spontaneous sexual desire style, you have a strong connection to your body.
You know immediately when youre turned on, which can feel energizing, flirty, and unpredictable.
Slowing your desire down can lead to misunderstandings and a sense of rejection that your partner isnt there yet.
With that said, viewing spontaneous sexual desire as a simple on/off switch misses the nuance of this style.
You might have a spontaneous sexual desire but its not always present and consistent.
Everything is fun, new, and exciting until it isn’t.
This, in turn, will help you both create an atmosphere that’s sexually stimulating.
Communication with your partner is key to enhancing your sexual life and health, she says.
Do not be afraid to share what feels good and what you do not like.
What Is a Responsive Sexual Desire Style?
Responsive sexual desire is the throw in of attraction that kicks in once intimacy unfolds.
Physical intimacy and foreplay are needed to turn on the desire.
This style happens gradually and then all at once.
It’s like when you’re watching a movie with your S.O.
and they slowly move their hand up and down your leg, massaging it.
The environment turns sexual and your body responds accordingly.
It could be an emotional connection with a partner or an affectionate touch, she says.
Dr. Buehler notes another challengeresponsive desire may not be viewed as a legitimate form of sexual desire.
When someone doesnt feel a spontaneous desire, they may infrequently or never seek out their partner.
Partners can then talk about the kinds of behaviors that increase the likelihood that responsive desire will occur.
Talk aboutwhat sets the mood for youand the throw in of foreplay youre interested in.
Remember: it’s okay if it takes you a while to get into the moment.
There’s nothing to feel ashamed about.
What Is A Context-Dependent Sexual Style?
Some people predominantly identify with one throw in, others blend both styles together.
Personally, I identify with a context-dependent sexual desireI oscillate between both styles.
I don’t predominantly lead with one or the other.
Sometimes, I get turned on and need to have spontaneous sex with him at that very moment.
In short, it just depends on how I’m feeling.
I have many friends who experience different styles depending on where they’re at in the relationship.
If you relate to both spontaneous and responsive styles, you may have a context-dependent sexual style.
Having a context-dependent sexual style offers a flexible approach to the bedroom.
The inconsistency may prove to be a challenge, where certain conditions change how you respond to sex.
Or, feel up to a make-out when you’re feeling sweaty from the gym.
Arousal can fluctuate and subsequently, impact cues of desire on any given day.
How to Enhance a Context-Dependent Sexual Style
Beingmindfully presentis one way to enhance this sexual desire style.
Focusing onyour partner’s emotional statehelps too.
Are they open to intimacy tonightand if so, what do they need to get into the mood?
Setting the right ambiance can prime you and your partner for intimacy.
Now that you know the differences between all styles, think about which one resonates with you.
Buehler recommends keeping a log to better figure out your style.
it’s possible for you to also note what else is happening in your life.
Were you under a lot of stressor were you on vacation?
you’re free to begin to notice patterns and perhaps share this information with your partner.
Knowing which style your body likes helps reduce internal and external conflict.
Everyone has a different relationship to sex.
Embrace whats best for you.
Naturally, having the conversation can feel awkward but it can also be incredibly heart-opening!
Keep In Mind
Understanding your unique sexual desire style leads to deeper self-awareness and satisfaction.
By openly sharing your needs with your partner, you forge an intimate bond that honors both yourauthentic desires.
Exploring these dynamics becomes a powerful step toward a fulfilling and vibrant sexual relationship.
Nassar GN, Leslie SW.Physiology, testosterone.
StatPearls Publishing; 2024.
2023;60(9):1297-1303. doi:10.1080/00224499.2022.2110558
