Ive built a life around being accommodating.
Need an extra set of hands on a work project?
Cant find someone to help with last-minute plans?
Victor Bordera / Getty Images
you’ve got the option to count on me.
Theres nothing wrong with helping people, of course.
But Id started to notice that my yes reflex was leaving me burnt out and feeling resentful.
On the one hand, the thought gave me stomach pains.
In other words, this experiment felt like an uncomfortable but necessary task.
So I said yes to the assignmentand said no to everything else for that week.
(At least, I refused everything that didnt align with my needs, priorities, or values.)
Why Is It So Hard To Say No?
Im not a textbookpeople pleaserI can be grumpy, blunt, and headstrong.
But I often agree to do things I dont want to do because Im afraid of conflict and rejection.
Classic people-pleasing behavior, right?
Generally speaking, people-pleasing develops from a deep longing for validation and acceptance, saysJessica Hunt, LCSW.
If that description feels like a personal attack, youre not alone.
Hunt says that many people learn that self-sacrifice is a good thing.
For some people, people-pleasing is atrauma response.
Many revert to fawning or people-pleasing when they feel unsafe.
Theres a term for this: pathological altruism.
And research shows that healthy selfishness is better for you, psychologically and socially, than pathological altruism.
When you default to people-pleasing, that is not empathy, It’s submission, Ross says.
It’s about your own needs and desires to feel good.
When you default to people-pleasing, that is not empathy, It’s submission.
In other words, when we people-hey, were still acting based on our own desires.
So, with that in mind, I got stuck into my experiment.
A client emailed asking if I could help take on an additional copywriting project with a tight deadline.
Normally, Id agree immediately and figure out how to deal with the stress later.
But today, I hesitated.
Did I really want to do it?
Or was I saying yes out of habit?
Use the pause to check in with your physical and emotional reactions, Hunt says.
Ask yourself, Does this feel genuine and authentic, or does it feel like something I should want?
I hit send before I could overthink it.
The client was completely understanding, and they found another copywriter to help with the project.
I felt a jolt of prideand relief.
Maybe saying “no” wouldnt be so bad after all.
Day 2: Family Favors
A text from a relative was my next challenge.
She was job-hunting and wanted help creating a resume.
Usually, I wouldnt mind helpingbut I had a bunch of things on my plate.
But then I thought about how tired I was, and how badly I needed to rest.
I also wished her luck in her job search.
Something I said yes to, though?
Grabbing pizza and watching a movie with my partner and friends that evening.
I typically enjoy having social engagements on the weekends.
Im a community-oriented person, and my friendships mean a lot to me.
Saying ‘no’ didnt make me a bad friend; it just made me an honest one.
To my surprise, they werent just understandingthey were super excited for me.
We both agreed to catch up next month.
I realized Id been overthinking peoples reactions to my boundaries.
Saying “no” didnt make me a bad friend; it just made me an honest one.
I told my neighbor I was considering canceling as I was pretty exhausted.
She compassionately encouraged me to reschedule if I needed to.
It felt great to get this sort of support from her.
I reminded myself of my reasons for this experiment: to prioritize myself.
Eventually, I decided to go on the walk.
And Im glad I didthe conversation, exercise, and fresh air did me good.
Day 5: Saying “No” to Myself
On Friday, the challenge turned inward.
Id been significantly tired all weekwhich I interpreted as asymptom of burnout.
For this reason, I decided to take Friday off work.
Ross shared some words that I found really helpful for this situation.
The solution here is self-care.
This can be tricky if youre not used to taking care of yourself, of course.
For me, it was cuddling my dog, doing crafts, and watching Netflixsimple, but soothing.
They kept pressing me to join a group activity, even after Id politely declined.
I found myself wavering, tempted to give in just to avoid conflict.
But instead, I simply repeated my “no” and changed the subject.
I felt terrible, to be honest, partly because they were clearly upset with me.
While the interaction felt uncomfortable, it was a lesson in holding my ground even when others resist.
Day 7: Reflection
By Sunday, I felt empowered.
Saying “no” hadnt turned me into a villain, nor had it alienated my loved ones.
And I did that all without harming any of my relationships!
Thats not to say there werent challenges.
Saying “no” can be uncomfortable, especially if youre used to over-accommodating.
But the benefitsreduced stress, increased self-respect, and a clearer sense of prioritieswere undeniable.
Will I Be Saying “No” More Often?
But Im not going to lie: I dont think saying no is a skill Ive mastered yet.
It makes me very uncomfortable, and I still have a sense of guilt about Saturdays interaction.
Guilt is common when trying something new, especially when it challenges deeply held beliefs, Hunt advised.
She advises starting by setting small boundaries tobuild up your confidence.
With practice, youll start to internalize that boundaries are about respecting yourself, not disrespecting others.
Ill need more practice before I feel confident.
But I think Ive made some progress.
That said, Ive also learned to balance this newfound assertiveness with flexibility.
Not every “yes” is a bad thing.
Sometimes its worth saying “yes” to opportunities that align with your values.
For people pleasers like me, I cant recommend this experiment enough.
Start smallsay “no” to one request this weekand see how it feels.
Kaufman SB, Jauk E.Healthy selfishness and pathological altruism: measuring two paradoxical forms of selfishness.Front Psychol.
APA Dictionary of Psychology.Empathy.
Maslach C, Leiter MP.Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry.World Psychiatry.
2016;15(2):103-111.
