For years, I would talk until I was blue in the face about my early experiences with hyper-independence.
But the needle didnt move until I finally sat with the sadness of being made into a utility.
The grief allowed me to embody my disconnected selfjust waiting on the other side of intellectualization.
Tatsiana Volkava / Getty Images
The tips below helped me tremendously.
I hope they will help you too.
We cant touch or be touched.
Lyons likens this interpersonal experience to a metaphorical drawbridge.
The result is too little contact or too much contact at the risk of codependency.
Understanding Somatic Healing for Intimacy
Somatic healing takes a body-first approach.
Without awareness, we can bring the stuck energy of flight-or-fight trauma impulsesinto our romantic relationships to negative effect.
The benefits of bringing somatics within an intimate context can be profound to pattern out healthier dynamics.
This therapeutic method employs various techniquesbreathwork, mindfulness, and body movementswhich can help address common negative relationship patterns.
He continues, We cannot be in an adult relationship if a child is in the drivers seat.
If a child is heard, listened to, understood, and validated, theyll have confidence in themselves.
Thats what theyll expect and look for in a relationship.
We cant touch or be touched.
According to Mate, when theres a relational blow-up of some kind, thats often the result of trauma.
Look at the word trigger.
The reason that trigger works is because theres ammunition and an explosive charge, he explains.
This punch in of breathing can help to calm your nervous system and encourage the physical body to relax.
When were feeling disconnected or sped up, agency and consent can be confusing.
Arielle Schwartz, clinical psychologist, PhD.
Ask, Am I engaging in activities in this relationship thats right for me?
Or because I think this is who you want me to be?
This jot down of grounding can be effective to ensure we dont lose ourselves in our connection.
Lyons recommends building out a somatic vocabulary with interoceptive awareness aka understanding whats happening internally.
It could be starting to recognize basic things like your breath or fullness in your bladder.
Then it gets into more nuance of sensations, feelings, or needs.
We dont want to do too much too soon.
Its important to just do the smallest amount to make a shift for a chance, Levine recommends.
Take a Pause, Give Yourself Space
Lyons advises having a redo during a rupture.
Then reconnect and speak from a place of what were feeling and what we werent able to acknowledge prior.
Its part of being human, its a little scary to drop in and feel.
Therapy is a tremendous, compassionate gift because you are hiring a trained listener and a trained observer.
The mind goes at lightning speed while the body is a much slower communicator, Schwartz says.
Yet it takes time to harness the powerful energies of emotion to get to that place.
Practice, practice, practice sharing and take turns.
Person A says what theyre experiencing and then person B says what theyre experiencing.
Sometimes, its difficult to recognize when we are in fight, flight, freeze, or shut down.
This exploration takes self-compassion.
Schwartz notes, Its normal to have dry spells in long-term relationships.
To sustain intimacy, we need mutual commitment and the willingness to have some of those open conversations.
Schwartz says it can start small before jumping into sex.
Perhaps its an intentional meal together without the kids or foregoing phones in the bedroom for conversation.
If theres been more conflict, its vital to attune to any buried conflicts.
We might need to make amends to the body to reconnect and rebuild trust within ourselves.
What This Means for You
Ive learned its not about whats wrong with you but whathappenedto you.
By opening the heart and attending to the mind-body connection, we can experience multifaceted healing.
When trauma distorts the reflection, our unconscious wounds and discordant beliefs are brought forward to heal from.
Through somatic healing, we can reclaim intimacy and step into the wholeness we were always meant to experience.
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