Care and Trigger Warning
This article contains content about depression and suicide.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
Depression is sneaky, until its not.
It was a picture-perfect day on the outside.
I wasnt trying to hoodwink anyone except myself.
If I posted the perfect picture, and had the perfect moments, maybe I would be happy.
But despite that nice moment, I wasnt happy.
And I couldnt fool myself.
I felt empty inside, like my soul had left my body.
That was the first time I realized I was depressed.
I had already been in therapy, but after that day, I took another step.
I went onWellbutrin, hoping it would crack through the shell of emptiness.
No, she said, I think maybe six months or sojust to get you through this patch.
It turned out to be just one step in a journey to treating my ongoing depression.
Heres some of what Ive learned along the way.
But several factorsboth controllable and notmade that unrealistic.
That she would die less than two years later.
I felt empty inside, like my soul had left my body.
That was the first time I realized I was depressed.
A perfect storm for someone struggling with depression.
We also didnt know at the time the depth of mental illness in my genetics,thanks to adoption.
She didnt yet know the depth of how much I was drinking…because I didnt tell her.
I didnt think I could get my head above water, and escaping just felt easier.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor.
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
But it took time and repetitionand sometimes I forget even today.
I looked ANYWHERE but inside for so long.
It would be fine!
But Im a writer and therapist, not a mathematician, so this was a faulty equation.
Oh, the way I tried, though.
I hopped on every wellness trendfrom goat yoga, to healing crystals, tosound baths.
Maybe I just needed to read the right book?
Listen to the right podcast?
There had to be an epiphany somewhere.
Or if I just found the right medication or combination thereof.
Or if I moved to California, away from all of my triggers in New York.
“Wherever you go, there you are.”
But when I can manage to quiet down my busy brain, often the answers do come to me.
Kristin Neffs self-compassion workhas really stayed with me.
How would I ever get everything I wanted to get done without yelling at myself?
The next time youre beating yourself up metaphorically, take a look at your posture.
Odds are, youre probably curling in on yourself in protection.
We have enough external stimuli attacking us in different wayswhy also do that to ourselves?
My face flushed with indignancy.
She wasnt in the room with us!
What did she know?!
So much, dear reader, so much.
And as my therapist began to rip my soul bare, I saw what she meant.
I had been so afraid to tellanyoneabout some of the emotions and actions I was most ashamed of.
The convenient thing about theself-medicatingI was doing with alcohol and benzos is that you lose any self-awareness.
I was so scared to be myself.
A person who had a range ofBIG feelingsincluding the socially unacceptable ones.
The ones a woman shouldnt have.
Jealousy, anger, pettiness, etc.
Really, though, I was playing a partthat of a cool, breezy girl.
(Suffice it to say, I did not move to Los Angeles to become an actor.)
Facing Feelings
To know me in real life is to know I have an incredibly expressive face.
I should never play poker.
Ive been seeing the same psychiatrist,Dr.
Without skipping a beat, she replied emotional regulation.
I used to be completely at the mercy of my emotions.
The anniversary of her death can be hard.
But sometimes these expected triggers barely affect me, while something seemly smaller can throw me into a tailspin.
What worked last time might not work this time.
That impromptu overnight stays are more difficult because Im afraid of the side effects of not having my medications.
What if I become too depressed to do my job?
What if I need to be hospitalized again?
I weathered the storm, but I cant outrun my genetics.
And there will always be something that triggers my depression.
Ive learned to ride the waves as they come and keep fighting.
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Burcusa SL, Iacono WG.Risk for recurrence in Depression.Clinical psychology review.
