What should we do?
Marion, 64
Amys Answer
Youre in a tough spot.
Clearly, you want to be helpful to your daughter and your grandkids.
Verywell / Catherine Song
But, it sounds like you dont feel as though your help is being well-received.
Shes a single mother, and you certainly dont want to see her or your grandkids struggle.
But youre not obligated to help.
Shes an adult, and its up to her to take care of herself and her children.
Of course, just because you arent legally or morally obligated to pitch in doesnt mean you cant.
Its up to you to decide how much you want to help.
The key is to recognize that your assistance is a choice.
you might help her because you want tonot because you have to.
How many hours a week do you want to provide free childcare?
How much money do you want to give her every month?
Are there other things you want to offer?
If you arent both in agreement, dont do it.
Otherwise, your giving will create a serious rift in your relationship.
And you wont be doing anyone any favors.
Communicate Your Boundaries
Once youve decided what youre willing to do,communicate those boundariesto your daughter.
Your daughter is likely to push back to get you to change your mind.
But its important to stick to the limits you set.
Otherwise, youll continue to overextend yourselves and feelresentfulof her in the process.
You might give her a list of childcare options.
Say something like, This must feel really frustrating to you.
Just verify you say it with a sincere tone that doesnt sound sarcastic.
Shes expressing her pain to you.
And she may get a little relief when she realizes that you hear what shes trying to say.
If she says things that are out of line, youre not obligated to keep talking to her.
End the conversation for now and tell her youll discuss things when shes calmer.
