A Reader Asks
My wife cheated on me last year.
I can forgive her, but Im not sure I can trust her.
I am always suspicious that she is cheating again.
Verywell / Catherine Song
Sometimes, I look through her stuff to check that I dont find evidence she is cheating again.
I feel bad about it but if she cheated once, isn’t she likely to cheat again?
Amy Answers
No, shes not necessarily going to cheat again just because she cheated before.
But, if you dont trust her, your relationship will likely continue to be unhealthy.
Its important to address the distrust you have so you’re free to move forward.
Healthy forgiveness isnt about saying, What you did to me was OK. Of course, letting go of anger is easier said than done.
Its usually a conscious decision you have to make and recommit to as time passes.
Forgiveness is necessary if you want to move past an affair.
But trust is also an essential component.
You have reason not to trust your wife.
She betrayed you before and you dont want to get hurt again.
But its impossible to be in a healthy relationship with your wife if you dont rebuild that trust.
An affair is likely a symptom of an underlying problem in the relationship.
Some affairs stem from loneliness and emotional disconnect in the relationship.
Others begin because one partner has aself-esteem issueand an affair gives them confidence in their attractiveness.
You and your wife must explore the underlying reason she strayed to prevent it from happening again.
This isnt meant to give her an excuse.
Instead, its about developing an explanation and addressing the root cause.
When you understand why it happened, you and your wife can build a healthier relationship and move forward.
Your Wifes Response
It is important to consider your wifes response to the affair.
Does she take responsibility for her behavior?
Is she invested in healing the relationship and moving forward?
It is also important to consider her current relationship with the person she had an affair with.
Perhaps you dont trust her because the affair was with a co-worker she continues to see regularly.
Or maybe youve discovered her still texting the person.
She must behonestwith you about any contact she has with the other person.
If shes lying and keeping secrets, you wont be able totrust her again.
But it is also understandable.
She betrayed you and you are hurtyoure attempting to protect yourself from being hurt again.
But, constantly looking for evidence to prove whether or not shes cheating again will exhaust you.
And interrogating her or looking through her belongings will only drive a further wedge between the two of you.
This also won’t help you rebuild trust in your relationship.
Your time will be better spent healing your heart and relationship.
Get Professional Help
The passage of time alone is unlikely to heal your relationship.
You should tell your wife you arehaving a hard timeand maybe suggestmarriage counseling.
Talking to a licensed mental health professional about the situation can help you productively work through this.
But you may need professional help to get there.
