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I once believed that I would absolutely die by suicide.
For me, it was suicide.
Verywell / Catherine Song
Until suicidal thoughts haunted me, I couldnt fathom why someone would think about taking their own life.
When I thought about the rest of my life, all I could see was bleakness.
Twice, that double-edged sword slashed through all resolve and reason.
When I realized this, I immediately vowed not to become a frequent flyer there.
Here are some of the things that have helped me fight back against the demons in my head.
Confronting the Triggers
For one, my therapist would be incredibly blunt.
She would ask me, “Do you really want to die because of X?”
So no, I didnt really want to die because of something mean someone said.
It sounds so silly to say it that way, but its what my brain would immediately go to.
It took me a while, but I eventually realized that I didnt actually want to die.
I just really wanted to escape.
Suicide attemptsand suicidal gestures are sometimes calledin a derisive waya cry for help or attention.
I coped with the pain by telling myself I had an out if it was too much.
I also will go searching for reasons to justify why Im so depressed and deserve to die.
Its something thats so hard to see through the fog.
This might sound trite saying, but youve survived 100% of your bad days got me through.
I had alreadybeenthrough worse things.
These were just thoughts and feelings.
Experiencing my mom dying is still worse than my feeling like I wanted to die.
Sometimes, I give clients my own spin on this too shall passthis too shall pass.
It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
Plus, my clients inspiremedaily.
Thats reason enough to keep living and let nature take its course to determine my last day.
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
