I get itIve been there too.
Ive scrolled past articles just like this one when I found out my college boyfriend cheated on me.
On my school break, we kissed under the Rockefeller tree and ate romantic sushi dinners in Brooklyn.
Verywell / Dennis Madamba
After lots of tear-filled conversations, we decided to give it another shot.
Most people will tell you to leave a cheating partner no matter what.
However, this one-size-fits-all solution doesnt apply to everyone.
Here are five common reconciliation mistakes to avoid after cheating.
I was too busy holding onto our potential future that I overlooked the reality.
When we first met, we didnt know ourselves that well.
After a few years, our futures didn’t align anymore.
We clung on before the infidelity exposed the true state of our relationship.
When we finally saw each other clearly, reconciliation didn’t make sense for a relationship we had outgrown.
When we finally saw each other clearly, reconciliation didn’t make sense for a relationship we had outgrown.
Knowing the full truth is essential so you could choose the relationship consciously without any lies.
Forgetting to Grieve What Used To Be
Cheating summons the death of your old relationship.
Between the desolation and anger, you must mourn whats gone so you might create something new.
Grief will carry you out of the pain and into a new phase of your life.
By taking the time to develop self-love, it’ll anchor you.
Let this process take as long as it needs to, there is no particular time limit to meet.
The grief can be excruciating to feel, but its necessary to move on.
Otherwise, the trauma may stay stuck in your body and manifest in unhealthy behaviors.
By grieving what you used to have, you might regulate and release your emotions healthily to heal.
Through my work, Ive witnessed individuals who were able to move beyond mistakes and build unshakable relationships.
After some time apart, my ex-boyfriend and I are now on good terms and both in happy relationships.
Its psychically limiting to judge a person by a past action.
People can change and learn.
Watch out forovergeneralizing, personalization, and fortune-telling.
Community support matters so you feel held with the people you care about the most.
However, watch out for judgments filtered bycognitive biases.
Despite your best attempts, external negativity can make reconciliation harder.
Not Sharing the Same Meaning of Forgiveness
Seeking reconciliation means extending forgivenessfor both parties.
This can take years and happen in multiple back-and-forth stages, but its needed to release the hurt.
This kind of behavior can be understandable in the immediate aftermath.
But after the dust has settled?
Punishment becomes unacceptable and can be akin to torture.
I advise couples to explore bothindividualandcouples therapyfor full emotional processing.
Forgivenessisnt forgetting and pretending it never happened.
Forgiveness is not condoning their behavior.
Your partner will be there to help you manage the trauma but within appropriate limits.
By creating space for both, your story will feel more complete.
I have the hatchet in my hands.
I am building myself a new house.
Youre acknowledging the past and deploying the learned knowledge to construct a new version of your life together.
This transformative kind of forgiveness can be a powerful step at the end of your journey.
Anything could happen, and you could be anyone together.
After infidelity, the relationship feels like it no longer has the same sparkle.
Your love story wont be the same.
However, post-infidelity life can feel worthwhile again byrekindling the bondwith a sense of imagination.
Its OK to miss how things used to be and feel agony when you look into their eyes.
Infidelity can serve as a revealing catalyst to illuminate your relationship.
As you honestly reexamine your expectations, you will be able to form an authentic and dedicated relationship.
The work wont always be easy, but youll know if reconciliation is right for you.
YouGov.How many Americans have cheated on their partners in monogamous relationships?
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.Infidelity.
Rokach A, Chan SH.Love and infidelity: causes and consequences.Int J Environ Res Public Health.
2023;20(5):3904.
