The connection is great, there is chemistry, and sex is fun.
You start spending more and more time together and start having talks aboutdefining the relationship.
You stop replying to their texts.
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You avoid talking about taking things to the next level.
Your partner expresses frustration, disappointment, or even anger about your behavior.
Not long after, the partner calls it quits.
If so, you might be self-sabotaging your relationships.
What Is Self-Sabotaging in Relationships?
This might involve pushing the other person away or finding reasons to get out of the relationship.
Behaviors focused on sabotaging relationships often stem from trust issues, past experiences, and poor relationship skills.
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Wait, What Causes Self-Sabotaging in Relationships?
The specific reasons why someone may sabotage their own relationships are context-specific.
One of the main reasons why people sabotage their relationships is thefear of intimacy.
People are afraid of intimacy when they fear emotional or physical closeness with other people.
Find out which option is the best for you.
Fears
This fear appears in two types:fear of abandonmentand fear of engulfment.
In the first, people are worried that those they love will leave them when they are mostvulnerable.
In the second, people are worried that they willlose their identityor ability to make decisions for themselves.
You might start pulling back from the relationship or start to become distant.
In some cases, you might start avoiding spending time with the other person.
It’s your fault I canceled and you’re just trying to blame me for it."
Jealousy
You always worry that your partner might be seeing someone else behind your back.
You demand control over every aspect of their life and require constant contact.
They break up with you because they find you controlling.
Criticism
You constantly look for perfection in a partner, even though you know perfection is impossible.
You are impossible to like, and your partner eventually gives up trying and breaks up with you.
Your partner grows resentful of your inability to face problems together and leaves.
Grudges
Holding a grudge against your partner means that your anger never really goes away.
It takes a lot of energy to stay mad.
Regardless of what else your partner does, you will always come back to those grudges.
It’s a way of protecting yourself by pushing away the other person.
As long as you are mad, no one can really get close to you.
“I’m just an idiot, why are you with me?”
“You’re just with me because you pity me,” etc.
These are just a few examples of how people with a fear of intimacy might sabotage their relationships.
People with these patterns often have childhood trauma and don’t know how else to act.
Such patterns allow you to exit relationships when you want toand that’s exactly the problem.
Why does it matter that you want to continually end your relationships, even when things are going well?
Therapyis the first step many take to end self-sabotaging patterns.
Work on Your Attachment Style
Attachment theoryis a framework that explains patterns of behavior with intimate others.
However, childhood experiences can lead to anxious, avoidant, or disordered attachment styles.
These areinsecure attachment stylesthat cause issues in adults trying to develop strong relationships and families.
Learn Your Triggers
Fear of intimacy and self-sabotage can remain dormant until a trigger wakes them up.
It might be words, actions, or even places.
It can be childhood or past adult relationships.
How do you deal with a self-sabotaging partner?
Don’t take a stab at excuse their behavior, but don’t take it personally.
make a run at reinforce positive behaviors and encourage them when they make process.
Finally, encourage them to seek professional help.
Remember that it’s okay to get help.
Seeking therapy or simply a kind and friendly ear is the first step towards freeing yourself from self-sabotaging behaviors.
It’s also important to work with your partner.
Peel R, Caltabiano N.Why do we sabotage love?
A thematic analysis of lived experiences of relationship breakdown and maintenance.J Couple Relationsh Ther.
2021;20(2):99-131. doi:10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039
