Picture someone with depression.
Whats the first image that comes to mind?
Lying in bed all day?
Verywell / Catherine Song
But day-to-day life with chronic depression doesnt usually look like that.
(And I wonder why my shoulders are always so tense!)
As a person with depression, theres a low hum of how my daily functioning is affected some days.
Verywell / Catherine Song
Other days, its a deep guttural internal scream, imperceptible to almost everyone else.
Like many others, I attempt to mask it as well as possible.
Heres a look at what one day of life with depression looks like for me.
Depression Diaries
3:37 a.m.: Rouse from a dream that all of my friends left me.
It felt so real that I wake up feeling incredibly unsettled and sad.
I blearily pad into my kitchen and have a cookie before attempting to sleep again.
I use a meditation on theInsight Timer appfor going back to sleep.
I take a stab at take long, deep breaths and hope for the best.
Verywell / Catherine Song
6:15 a.m.: Wake up in the morning definitely NOT feeling like P. Diddy.
Getting coffee is a good incentive to walk Lucy a little longer than I might without that caffeinated treat.
7:20 a.m.:I am in grad school full-time (to become a therapist!
One of us meditates; the other eats sand.
7:45 a.m.:I have so much to do today.
I dont know when Im going to get it done.
When will I work out and shower?
I dont have time for that.
(I am perpetually convinced I dont have enough time for things when I probably actually do.)
9:00 a.m.: Zoom with my therapist.
I really love and hate her in equal parts.
She is frustratingly good at her job, and I tell her this often.
She is as direct as she is caring.
Sometimes I literally squirm in discomfort about confronting truths about myself I havent wanted to face.
I get sucked into Instagram and texting for a little longer than I planned.
Its 25 minutes on, 5 minutes off, and is incredibly helpful for me.
1:00 p.m.: Depression headache?
Ive been having chronic headaches for a while now and havent found many good remedies.
Theyre not migraines, so migraine medicine doesnt help.
Will I always feel this depressed and headachey?
Whats the point of life feeling this way?
I text my dear friend Morgan, my number one mental health support (outside of those I pay!
), and she asks if I am due for aketamine infusion.
Thankfully, ketamine has bridged that gap for me.
I hit it one more time to meditate since that does help sometimes.
I look at my calendar to check that I have an acupuncture appointment coming up soon.
Its one of the few things that helps the headaches.
Depression or (elder) millennial?
Its hard to tell where one starts and the other begins.
I complain I dont have time, and then I scroll Instagram.
I take a stab at remind myself thatsocial media appsare literally designed to be addictive.
However, thankfully once I get going and into the groove, I actually enjoy myself.
(Im weird, I know.)
The paper is an outline for mygroup therapyclass, and Im running a group on loneliness.
4:00 p.m.:I am so, so lucky that one of my best friends lives in my building.
We met just before the pandemic through our dogs, and weve now walked hundreds(?
), thousands(?)
of miles together with our little buddies.
7:00 p.m.: I just hate nighttime.
When the day starts winding down, my thoughts startspiraling.
Will I be alone forever?
Will I be a terrible therapist?
Why have I gained so much weight?
What if my dad drops dead from a heart attack?
Id love to tell you (and my therapist!)
that I attempt to sit with those feelings, but that would be a lie.
Enjoy the damn thing!
This applies to basically anything we guilt-trip ourselves for.
And so, I enjoy the damn tacos!
7:30 p.m.: With tacos in my belly, I take Lucy out for one more walk.
8:30 p.m.: I attempt to finish a little more reading for class, but I am just exhausted.
I give up for the night on getting work done.
9:00 p.m.: I get into bed with a book for pleasure.
At this point, most of my days overall are better than not, butdepression is that constant companion.
I cant get rid of it, but I am learning more and more how to live with it.
My mom used to say, This, too, shall pass.
The good feelings may not last forever, but neither will the bad ones.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
