When I mention to people I haveborderline personality disorder(BPD), one of two things usually happens.

Either theyve never heard of it before, and they say something like, Is it like bipolar?.

I was no exception either.

When I was first diagnosed, I swore Id tell no one and pretend I was OK.

However, only through speaking about my experiences could I heal.

Not to mention, after a couple of years oftreatment, I have settled into a stable-ish cadence.

BPD Diaries

9:15 a.m.:Im working with my therapist to get into a better morning routine.

Ive successfully managed to stop waking up around lunchtime, but the mornings are still a work in progress.

Today it seems the pressure may be getting to me.

After a couple of deep breaths, I retrieve my therapy book.

I also list all the evidence for and against my self-labeling as a failure.

12:00 p.m.: I love online therapy.

For example, procrastinating starting on assignments.

It seems so simple, and yet the discovery is clarifying.

Im unconsciously self-sabotaging to get the imagined disappointment out of the way.

12:50 p.m.: I open up Twitter.

After the blasting from therapy, thecheap dopaminehits are certainly needed.

1:25 p.m.: As well as being a freelance writer, Im also the editor of my own publication.

I negotiate with myself on whether I should review the submissions for my publication or answer my emails.

Although my growing inbox is becoming a further concern, it evidently isnt a big enough worry just yet.

2:10 p.m.: Back on Twitter.

I cant help myself!

Today, the timeline (TL) is once again talking about relationships.

Sometime later, she asks me whether or not Ill consider getting back in the dating game.

Its funny; my friends laughed it off when I first told them I was swearing off dating.

Romantic relationships are hard for anyone, buteven more sofor those with BPD.

Althoughquiet borderline personality disorderisnt a recognized subtype, I undoubtedly have it.

Rather than projecting my anger outwards, its always internal.

I text back, Maybe in a year?

Conversations like these remind me dating is the ghetto [laughing emoji].

2:22 p.m.: The chat with my friend still has me thinking.

Relationships are definitely atriggerof mine, and I dont think Im ready.

Besides, I dont really want to return tosplittingagain.

A pit of sadness forms in my stomach as I remind myself that its safer to just stay alone.

But I dont suppress the feeling; instead, I have a go at allow it.

2:29 p.m.: I should really do these more often.

3:45 p.m.: My psychiatrist has been pushing me to domindful walking, but I hate walking without intent.

Instead, Ive gotten into weight-lifting.

I go to the gym four times a week, and today is leg day.

Or maybe I was a pain to work with?No, Im doing it again.

I remind myself that, since Im also an editor, I know shes probably just always swamped.

Mine are always male and tend to be potential (or current) romantic partners.

In this case, he is an ex-university fling, so its… emotionally complicated.

Perhaps Im in the position to pursue romantic relationships sooner than I thought?

10:00 p.m.: Wow, its late.

I finally close my laptop and head to bed.

So I switch to Youtube and binge on some of my favorite channels.

11:30 p.m.: Bedtime!

I always forget to take my supplements during the day, so I take these too.

I have no idea.

But what is there to lose?

In Closing

Constantly having to re-process my emotions and feelings can get extremely exhausting.

Its also irritating that I repeatedly have the same internal debates.

But the longer I do it, the more automatic it becomes.

BPD is not curable, but the older I get, the less daunting living with the disorder becomes.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

Artwork by Alex Dos Diaz

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