However, the novelty of exploring each others bodies eventually simmered down.
Add a couple of kids and jammed-packed schedules and our sex life transformed into a series of mindless acts.
Its hard to stay present when to-do lists intrude into our minds while we’re intimate.
Larysa Vdovychenko / Getty Images
So how can we get out of heads during sex and fully enjoy the moment?
What Does Being In Your Head During Sex Even Mean?
You’re trying to enjoy some much-needed intimacy with your S.O.
but your brain just won’t shut up.Remember to take the kids to basketball practice.
There’s a doctor’s appointment this Friday.
The in-laws are coming over for dinner next week.
you might’tenjoy the moment and be presentbecause you’re so preoccupied mentally.
Youre disconnected from your body.
Many get stuck in their heads because they are distracted by other thoughts or stressors.
How can you enjoy something when youre not even there mentally?
Shannon often hears her clients talk about faking orgasms and feeling performative.
Rather, its always been about pleasing the other partner and keeping up appearances that you’reintoit.
People also report feeling bored and self-conscious and having difficulty orgasming or maintaining an erection.
This is all from not being fully present.
Shannon also recommends using mindfulness to bring you back to the present when your mind is wandering during sex.
Remind yourself that you are choosing to have sex and the rest can wait.
Notice what you see such as your partners face, she says.
Notice what you smell your partners shampoo or perfume.
Notice the feeling of touching your partners skin or your own.
Cueing into your senses will help you get back in your body and out of your head.
Dont Underestimate Mental Foreplay
There’s more than one throw in of foreplay.
We usephysical foreplayto get in the mood for sexwhy shouldn’t we do the same for our minds?
Enough foreplay ensures you’ve got the option to get into a sexual headspace.
When things are going too fast, your mind hasn’t caught up with your body.
Or, wondering why the person is moving to the next stage of sex already.
Shannon says mental foreplay is very underrated and that building anticipation is huge for eroticism.
We get busy with life and forget to take it slow.
Try This!
Want to start practicing mental foreplay?
Try flirting, bathing together, watching a sexy movie, or taking a tango lesson.
Some people need to have emotional and energetic aspects dialed in before getting physical.
Others get aroused by talking about something sexual.
Sex can be just as emotional and mental as physical.
Not all turn-ons are sexual.
Having your hair brushed might be what gets you going.
Or being pampered by your hubby with a nice dinner and a backscratch.
Perhaps, talking about each other’s day is what sets the mood.
There’s a range of activities and types of conversation that can be emotionally attuning and sexually arousing.
Sorry to break it to you, but that’s super unrealistic.
Having good sex is about enjoying the journey and the experience.
Its easy to get trapped in your head when youre pushing yourself to the finish line.
Slow down and smell the roses.
Its not a race.
Talk to Your Partner
Shannon says its important to know yourself and your partner(s).
Find out what turns you and your partner on and lean into that before getting sexual.
Talk openly and honestly about your thoughts and feelings during sex.
Tell them if there is anything youd like them to do differently and be open to their suggestions.
Shannon also advises being patient and giving yourself grace!
Learning to feel comfortable and present during sex is a journey.
Your brain has been hardwired to mentally escape during intimacy.
It’s going to take a while for you to rewire your pathways.
But its worth the effort because thats the only place real intimacy comes from.
