But I gained a new understanding of grief after my husband died.
I spent a solid decade grieving a series of losses.
I lost my mom at 23 and became a widow at 26.
Verywell / Catherine Song
My father-in-law passed away just a few years after that.
While all three losses were painful, losing my husband, Lincoln, taught me the most about grief.
As the months passed, however, the painful feelings came in waves.
Sadness, anger, anxiety, and many other jumbled emotions would come and go.
I might laugh one minute only to feelguiltythat I was having fun just moments later.
I dont feel like the grief has ever gone away.
But it did change over the years, and the waves of intense emotions get fewer and further apart.
There were moments when Id think, ‘I cant wait to tell Lincoln about this!’
And then, Id remember this was permanent.
He wasnt just away on a trip that would end with him walking through the door again.
It was as if mybrain couldnt quite processthe permanency of my situation all at once, though.
It took a while for the gravity of my loss to really sink in.
Others delivered food to my house.
And lots of people spent time with me.
It was such a relief to be surrounded by kind people who cared.
Most people werent sure what to say or do.
But allacts of kindnesshelped me feel a little less alone.
Grief is a profound source of stress.
Of course, their heart was in the right place.
I didnt want other people to feel uncomfortable being around me.
Those tasks are so hard to do.
Sadly, thats more than some people get when they lose a loved one.
Clearly, I was not in shape to work as a therapist after three days.
I applied for short-term disability but was told our disability plan doesnt cover grief.
But as a therapist, I knew they covered other mental health issues.
My physician diagnosed me withPTSDthe following weekand that diagnosis granted me three months off from work.
But grief doesnt have a clear timelineeven though theres pressure to have one.
There was no guarantee a certain amount of time was going to make me better.
Some people insisted I start dating after six months.
Others encouraged me to make some big changes after one year.
But I knew I couldnt depend on the calendar to tell me when the timing was right.
I had to do what felt right for me.
How long does grief last?
Each person’s unique experience with grief is different.
Most people report feeling recovered about one to two years later.
However, your own journey may look different.
Grief Is the Process by Which We Heal
Grief is unquestionably painful.
And its tempting to try and go around the pain.
I wanted to distract myself and fast forward until I felt better.
But grief is a process I knew I had to go through.
Its how we deal with time that matters.
And Im grateful now that I did.
And while Ill never say, Ive moved on, I will say, Im moving through grief.
But doing those things when I was at my worst felt nearly impossible.
Although your journey through grief will be an individual one, getting support can help you through the process.
Fryburg DA.Kindness as a stress reduction-health promotion intervention: A review of the psychobiology of caring.Am J Lifestyle Med.
2012;14(2):119-128. doi:10.31887/DCNS.2012.14.2/mshear
American Psychiatric Association.Prolonged grief disorder.
2004;329(7466):627.
