Learn the right questionsand the right way to ask them
“How well do you know me?”
is a game you’ve probably played before with your friends, family members, or significant others.
It often goes like this: One person asks a question of the other person or the group.
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These questions are centered around a specific aspects of a person’s life, interests, or history.
Examples include things such as: What’s my favorite color?
What’s my favorite movie?
and What’s my middle name?
“These questions can come from two places, one healthy and one less so.
Sometimes, these are playful quizzes, sort of like the old game show ‘The Newlywed Game.’
In fact, I have seen a version played on ‘Married at First Sight.’
In those cases, its a game, more about memory than about commitment, and its fun.
says integrative therapistRenee Zavislak, MS, MA, LMFT.
In other cases, such questions may have a less well-intentioned side.
This is a less than healthy approach that can draw faulty, relationship-threatening conclusions from insufficient data.
However, she also notes that this is an understandable thought process.
Being seen is an important parts ofattachment.
As you share more information, you also start to establish a sense of trust and intimacy.
or “How did I not know that about them?”
The more questions you ask, the more you’ve got the option to see patterns and tendencies.
Or you might realize you’ve been holding back on sharing your thoughts and opinions.
In either case, it’s a great opportunity to see how you’re able to improve.
This can also be a great opportunity for you to findsupportand encouragement, which can further strengthen your bond.
Such questions may require being more vulnerable, open, and honest, which isn’t always easy).
However, they can also foster greater understanding, closeness, andempathy.
Having your partner ask such questions allows you to connect with them on a deeper level.
So what can you do to verify that asking these questions feels safe and comfortable for everyone involved?
First, ensure that you pick the right time for a conversation.
Some ideas include spending leisure time together or going on a date.
It can also be a great way to pass the time during a car trip.
Doing so allows you to expressvulnerabilityand build greaterintimacywith your partner without evokingdefensiveness.
She also recommends modeling the behaviors you want, not what you get.
If you want your partner to know more about you, start by asking them questions about themselves.
Many of these questions are fluid and the answers can change depending on a variety of factors.
The answers can evolve as you evolve as individuals and in your relationship.
