PeopleImages / Getty Images
Marriage isn’t always easy, and all relationships have ups and downs.
According to relationship experts, there are certain signs to watch for that serve as important predictors of divorce.
John and Julie Gottman are psychologists, relationship experts, and the founders of the Gottman Institute.
PeopleImages / Getty Images
Based on their years of extensive research, they have identified four primary predictors of divorce.
At a Glance
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are all key predictors of divorce.
All relationships have some degree of these characteristics.
You may also be attacking your partners personality or character.
The intent is to win the argument or prove your spouse wrong.
These harmful patterns cause you both to not feel heard.
You both may start to feel bad about yourselves when you are around each other.
It is critical to make a specific complaint about your partners behavior and not attack their personality.
It concerns any statement or behavior, verbal or nonverbal, that asserts superiority to your partner.
Examples of such behaviors include:
Contempt attacks your spouses sense of self.
It is also intended to put down or emotionally abuse or manipulate them.
Contempt doesn’t just hurt your relationship; it also takes a toll on your health.
Research has also found that experiencing feelings of contempt can lead to increased illness and worse well-being.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness arises from a perceived attack with your own counter-complaint.
It can also involve cross-complaining.
This is when you match your partners complaint or criticism with one of your own.
You then ignore what your partner said.
Other defensive behaviors are “yes-butting” orgaslighting, where you deny your partner’s reality.
It can also involve simply repeating yourself without really paying attention to what your spouse is saying.
Aim to slow down and attempt to listen to your partners perspective.
You do not have to be perfect.
Consciously communicate by speaking honestly andlistening well.
Dont forget tovalidateyour partner by letting them know you get what they are feeling.
Its a good idea to verbalize that you feel overwhelmed.
you could both agree to take a break and that the conversation will resume when you are both calmer.
On their own, one issue is unlikely to derail your marriage.
There are ways to better control these behaviors in your relationship.
After an argument, claim responsibility for your piece in the escalation.
What can you learn from it and what can you do about it?
For instance, apologize, express your understanding, or demonstrate your concern.
There is no good reason to push buttons or purposely escalate the argument.
Reflect
Slow things down and self-reflect by figuring out what you might actually be feeling underneath.
For instance, are you really hurt when you yell in anger?
you gotta get comfortable expressing that deeper part of yourself.
2017;113(2):280-309. doi:10.1037/pspp0000101
Gottman Institute.This one thing is the biggest predictor of divorce.
Fischer DJ, Fink BC.Clinical processes in behavioral couples therapy.Psychotherapy (Chic).
2016;33(8):1120-1134. doi:10.1177/0265407515617705
The Gottman Institute.How to fight smarter: Soften your start-up.
Carrere S, Gottman JM.Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion.Fam Process.
2018;13(2):135-141.
