Knowing exactly when arelationship should be endedis a difficult task.
It depends on the people involved and on the situation they live in.
But there is fairly consistent evidence about the signs of relationship breakdown, unearthed by Dr. John Gottman.
Verywell / Brianna Gilmartin
He dubbed these “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
Criticism
The first horseman of communication is criticism.
Criticizing is different than critiquing or complaining.Criticismis about the person’scharacter,rather than their behavior.
When criticism is present in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that it’s doomed to end.
Once in awhile, when we’re angry, we can resort to criticism.
Defensiveness is an attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter-complaint.
We have a tendency to want to think well of ourselves, and conversations like this threaten ourself-esteem.
Defensiveness is really just a way of shifting the blame back onto your partner.
You’re saying that the problem isn’t you, it’s them.
Being constantly defensive in a relationship is a bad sign.
It may be time to end things.
Contempt
The third horseman is contempt.
We show contempt when we treat others with disrespect.
Contempt can be expressed in many different ways.
We call them names or ridicule them.
The purpose of this behavior is to diminish the other, to make them feel worthless.
If you’ve ever been treated with contempt, you know how much it hurts.
When contempt is present in a relationship, it’s a big red flag.
There is little love or respect left anymore, and animosity and resentment will grow.
If you are treating your partner with contempt, ask yourself why you’re still with them.
If there is no respect between partners, there is little chance that the relationship can be salvaged.
Stonewalling
The last horseman is stonewalling and it is the most damaging behavior to engage in.
Just as defensiveness is a response to criticism, stonewalling is usually a response to contempt.
When stonewalling appears in a relationship, communication has essentially broken down.
But it should be a very strong sign that maybe it’s time to move along with your life.
This is the feeling when you’d rather doanything elsethan have the conversation.
Should You Break Up?
Ultimately, you are the best judge of your own relationship and situation.
Carrere S, Gottman JM.Predicting Divorce among Newlyweds from the First Three Minutes of a Marital Conflict Discussion.Family Process.
1999;38(3):293-301.
