A relationship coach shares her journey in love
I never thought I would find love.
Unconditional, real, cant-live-without-you love.
Its ironic considering my career as a relationship coach and a matchmaker.
Verywell / Tyrel Stendahl.
I didnt think those happily ever after stories were meant for the real world.
At least, thats what I thought when I was younger.
Now Im older, wiser, and fortunate I’ve been in love several times.
I’m especially grateful that I’ve met the love of my life.
However, it was a tough and winding road to get here.
I wouldnt be where I am today without integrating many lessonssome painful, all beautifulalong the way.
Relationships Are Work, But Its Good Work With The Right Person
Anyone canfall in love.
Ive learnedsustaining loveis much more challenging.
As time passes, a relationship requires sacrifice, compromise, and negotiation.
Its a lot of work.
Yet when youre with the right person, the effort feels easy.
Long-lasting relationships require a starting point of shared core values and goals.
This common ground allows for flexibility and adaptability, essential for navigating lifes challenges together.
I was too young to think about dating intentionally.
I focused more on attraction and status instead of building real intimacy.
Long-lasting relationships require a starting point of shared core values and goals.
This common ground allows for flexibility and adaptability, essential for navigating lifes challenges together.
You genuinely feel youre on the same team and youre playing for keeps.
I wanted to make my loved ones happy at the risk of burnout and exploitation.
Over time, Ive come to understand thatsetting boundariesis an expression of self-love.
Its about finding a protective balance around how I can love others while still loving myself.
Boundariesare a demonstration of respect for your time, personal container, and limits.
Without boundaries, you’re able to lose your sense of self.
The line gets fuzzy as identities, responsibilities, and emotions messily blur together.
I used to think that boundaries created separation between the self and the other and I feared that distance.
Now I value the space in between.
I understand that boundaries are roadmaps for acceptable or unacceptable behaviors.
These clear limits help foster healthy intimacy because your partner knows how to validate and show up for you.
Expanding on that point further, research on the similarity-attraction principleshows that we tend to like what we know.
Meaning, that our brains are often subconsciously wired to be drawn to whats familiar.
I fell for men who mirrored old narratives from my past that I hadnt healed from.
When dating, see each person as a vibrational mirror and learning opportunity.
I lived on my terms and welcomed change that benefitted me and only me.
A study in 2017noted that voluntary singleness improved mental health outcomes, reflecting my personal experience.
I resolved to be alone until a relationship felt even more fulfilling than my single life.
The choice empowered me to let go of emotionally unavailable men because of my higher standards.
Plus, he saw my individuality as something to be respected and nurtured.
And in a way, I was right.
They were in the right timing of their life to sustain a connection and make something work.
They didn’t give me anything that I didn’t have within or couldn’t find again.
Closing the door on them redirected me back to the path I was meant to be on.
Don’t Be Afraid To Feel Your Emotions
I intellectualized my emotions for a long time.
But I didn’t allow myself to feel the emotion.
Many of those raw stories were linked to my early childhood experiences.
Embrace Heartbreak
Griefhas been one of my most important teachers.
Paradoxically, the emotion has taught me so much about the depths of love.
The immensity of the grief felt is proportional to the love experienced.
Grief conveys the beauty of the love that was left behind.
Energy cannot be destroyed, only changed.
The unspent energy of love is looking for a place to go, and so love transmutes into heartbreak.
That I could handle it.
), and complete me.
However, I later realized that belief was setting me up for disappointment and codependency.
Its unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all of our hopes dreams, and expectations.
While I believe insoulmates and their significance, Ive also learned that other connections can be just as invaluable.
In my 20s, I operated in a silo and only prioritized my romantic relationships.
In my 30s, I have learned how to nurture my community better.
My best friends are incredibly important to me.
I got severely depressed and sick-I started losing my hair, my voice, and my power.
When I stood up for my authentic truth, it caused discomfort.
A few important relationships ended because they no longer worked when I was myself.
I wanted to be honest about what I needed and tried not to hurt them but it happened anyway.
Sometimes, I blew up my life in the process.
I wanted to jump in with my story to find a mutual sense of closure.
But perfect closure doesn’t exist.
I can’t control their interpretations and I’m not perfect.
Everybody has their version of events, and the truth is more complicated than right or wrong.
I choose to see both sides with multidimensional grace to understand, let go, and move on.
But our best intentions aren’t enough.
It’s a choice we have to make again every single day.
Even marriage or kids wont guarantee forever.
Growth is inevitable in a world where change is the only constant.
Understanding that commitment is a daily choice was the fairytale story I had to update.
Ive learned the success of a relationship isnt measured by its duration but by its authenticity.
Society privileges knowingnesswe value control, clarity, direction, and concreteness.
But we live in an infinite universe where there’s so much that we do not know.
That’s how I feel about love.
Dating in my 20s was a whirlwind of growth, lessons, and life-changing turns.
Perhaps that’s the point.
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